Friends, fellow filmmakers and big fat fakers

paparazzi 1Photo by Christopher Labadie Photography

There is something really sensational about the human spirit – how we live in a constant state of renewal and restoration. Think about all the times you have been screwed over, hurt, betrayed, taken advantage of, lied to, left behind, heartbroken, cheated … by friends, colleagues, family members, trusted elders …  but have you stopped trying? Have you stopped your heart from loving or from exploring the possibilities of what other love exists? I don’t know a single person that could answer yes to these questions in truthfulness.

We are chemically wired to seek out connection and fellowship with other souls. Our body physically responds to touch and emotional encounters in ways that science nor logic can deny that we are literally constructed to share our lives with one another in unity. This is where the pitfall of organized religion comes in and acts as a trap to mankind. Any person, power or organization that teaches you that you are somehow incomplete or lacking if you do not depend on them is an inhibitor and damaging to your soul. Because we are constantly in this state of seeking, so many people falsely claim to have or be what it is that you seek and out of desperation or hope, you grasp onto it, wanting to believe you have finally found your home, your church, your life partner, you dream job, or whatever it may be.

The issues is in the source – if that thing or person is lost, destroyed, does not live up to expectation (which is the most common reason for depression clinically is unmet expectations) … then what becomes of you? You who have aligned yourself to this force to be fed some sort of spiritual, mental or emotional nourishment to sustain your own life-source? You die and wither like a flower starved of water.

If you’re like most of us, you barricade yourself in a room for a bit, pig out on Ben & Jerry’s, a few bottles of wine or maybe some vodka depending on how serious, cry, rip some shit up, throw away anything that causes recollection of said person, place or thing and then emerge from your cave claiming to feel like a new person; rejuvenated, reignited and ready to go.

You’re not new though, you are a collective of everything you have ever experienced and everyone you choose to encounter and allow into your life path. It is how you let these pieces shape or impact who you are. I’ve never believed in forgetting or not acknowledging your past because of this reason – your past is your foundation, the building blocks of the pillar that is you. Given everything that gets thrown at you in life, the fact that your pillar is still standing (it may have a few gouges or scratches here and there and some missing paint or cracks) but the simple fact that it is indeed still standing, is quite phenomenal.

I love very deeply. I love my parents very deeply. I love my God very deeply. I love my acting very deeply. I love a man very deeply. I have to be extremely careful of those whom I trust and whom I allow into my life on a deep level because when I love you, you have so much power to effect my world. That’s just not a risk I’m willing to take lightly anymore the older I get.

I’ve had a few circumstances that arose in my life over the last year or so ( health scares, love woes, etc.) where I get in my car and I drive around and say “I have no one. Everyone I know is a business contact; an acquaintance.” It’s a very hallowing realization to understand that if I want to call someone at 3a.m. to talk about the audition at Good Faith or that film set we were both on two weeks, ago I’d have my of the litter, but if I need to talk to someone about how I may have a hole in my heart and that’s what’s been causing my migraines this whole time, then who the heck can I call?

I made a devout promise that I would begin working on developing healthy, viable relationships. I am blessed to say that I have a few ladies in my life that I’ve known since Kindergarten, one even from preschool. I don’t come to her nearly as often as I should, but every time I do I feel welcomed home (usually with wine) and warm and comfortable – like putting on a cozy sweater. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed or what guilt my conscious has racked up with sins, I know I can be myself with her.

My best friend lives in Texas. She was one of those people that you meet and your energies just collided and mesh. We connected immediately and although I’ve never had a sister of my own, I would say that I love her as my own flesh and blood and would protect her at any cost. We have this unspoken anger with one another because both of us are entirely too stubborn for our own good and don’t like initiating or asking for help or love so we constantly await the other one to make a move – it’s a lot like a long distance chess match done through the mail actually. I wish every day she would move back and that I could have her near to laugh with. The relationship, the distance, the life circumstance may change, but the love never does.

God has also brought other people into my life in the most unexpected ways. I stayed with Mary Lynn Kelly when I first moved out of my home when separating from my ex husband. Mary Lynn is a glowing spirit, always looking for expressive ways to create and enhance the world of those around her and took me in graciously under her maternal wing. Wendy Killeen is probably the most selfless single mother of 2 that I know as well as an unsung hero. She gives so much and asks nothing in return. Wendy is the kind of person who inspires me. I read in my book series which I often make reference to, that whenever you meet someone new, the question you should ask  yourself is “How can I be a gift unto this person?” Most people operate on the opposite basis, asking “What can I get out of this other person? How does this benefit me to befriend or spend time socializing with this individual?” Wrong. So wrong.

That’s where my fellow-kind comes in. I have over 2,000 “friends” on Facebook. I talk to dozens of different people on any given day whether it be on a film set, IM, at an audition, mixer, screening, rehearsal, work or what have you. I constantly have people coming and going from my life. I made a mistake very early on when first starting out in this career path, believing that all of these new people I was meeting were  now my new friends. I am a very open person and a very trusting person  so I shared bits and pieces of myself with these people. Bits and pieces that these people doused in gasoline, shoved into a cannon and then proceeded to fire at will as ammo at me when it benefited them to do so.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened up to someone honestly, thinking that I was in a safe place to do so when I hear the next day that this same person turned around and said I was a diva or a bitch and used my words (which they originally agreed with) to turn a director or manipulate some other like party against me. Ouch. Seriously, don’t do that! Let me cry, let me be a loner a set, think I’m a bitch, fine – but don’t fake -friend me. That’s just mean. I recently got the advice never to trust another female in LA. Don’t let another female ever take you to an audition, pick you up from an audition, look at a script or side you are working on, or know anything about who you’re dating or your personal life. I don’t think that rule only applies to the ladies la la land … just sayin …

Granted I still believe in my gut that most people are genuinely good and are also looking for a deeper connection. I think that most believe because you may share a mutual interest in film and acting that those seeds should be enough to bloom into a beautiful, fruitful tree if watered and cared for. Ideally, this should be so and fresh , full gardens of shared passion should be cultivated, but that requires both parties to operate on the same level.

I do think that there are some people though, that are nothing but big fat fakers. If all you want from me is for me to work in your film for free, or for me to write up a press release for you or perform some other business-related task, here’s a novel idea – JUST ASK ME. You don’t have to go through this entire bs process of befriending me. It’s a waste of your time and mine, we are both adults and understand the nature of our industry and how cross-promotion works, so why not be forthcoming about it?

I’ve seen it all before, where people fake an interest in who you are because they feel if they don’t, you won’t grant them certain favors that they are in need of. I know the process and I’ve seen it all. There are guides available even, on how to do this  like a skill set – when you meet someone don’t start off by directly asking for a need or a favor or a contact or referral, instead introduce yourself, compliment the other person, let them know qualities you admire about them and if anything, ask them how you can be more like them. These individuals will feel so appreciated that eventually they will volunteer information and services without you even having to ask. That’s the beauty of the system. Even with people I know, they write to me and start with a compliment or some sort of formality so I scan to get to to the part where they are asking me for what it is they actually need. So silly.

I’m feeling bitter at this precise moment because a new business connection decided to drop me like a fly after it escaped my mind that we were scheduled to hang out. He sent a cold text saying “Best to you in your endeavors.” Wow, alright dude, if you choose to operate in those closed off terms and with a policy of unforgiveness and lacking of understanding, then perhaps I’m not interested in fostering a relationship, professional or personal, with you anyway. Dan Dice once said, and I think it is true, your friends will be your friends no matter what. Those true beacons of light will guide you home no matter how much you have messed up, how far off the path you strayed, how lost you got in the wilderness; they will just always be there. That is a friend.

You see, something interesting happened to me while at the Jerome Indie Film and Music festival which taught me an invaluable lesson and exposed a dark, dirty area of myself to … well, myself. I had a very close encounter with my ego and I didn’t like it. I’m ashamed to admit to this, but I feel most may have experienced similar things. I’m dating an actor, a very multi-talented, dynamic, handsome actor who happened to have multiple features screening in Jerome. I prepared myself in advance that this would be his event and I would be support to him, his date and company. I didn’t realize how deeply it would impact my confidence and sense of worth. I felt like a nobody, after all, in this industry you are only as good as your last film. I’d see everyone going around talking about their work, proud of their shorts and their roles, smiling and beaming but I just couldn’t shake my feeling of uselessness. I suddenly desired the invisibility cloak from Harry Potter, more than anything several times throughout that weekend. In fact for the very first time in years, when people started asking me what I do while I was out there I denied the fact that I was even an actor.. I kept saying that I was a writer. I felt to lowly, too non-existent to own the title of actor. I remember feeling that same way when I first started out 2 years ago or so, and I remember my mentor pulling me aside and saying “Melissa, no one will believe you’re an actor until you do.” Since then whenever someone asked me “Oh what do you do?,” I would reply with forced confidence and a smile “I am an actor” until I did start to believe and it felt comfortable on me. Fake it till you make it, right? Until now at least …

When we went back to the room for a wardrobe change in between events and my sweet man started to express his love for me and I didn’t feel worthy of it. Who was I? A nobody, and this fantastic creature in front of me is trying to give me his love. Why? I don’t deserve it. Suddenly flashes of this cycle rippled across the back of my mind and I realized with extreme clarity that this is what we do. We allow others to dictate how good we feel about ourselves. What a terrible, ugly thing. Because these others don’t know us, they don’t know our hearts or our true value, these others know our characters, know the roles we play, know the public personas we exude at events, know shadows of us and yet they are the ones that determine our good days and our bad days? I looked him in the eye and expressed what I just came to terms with and he agreed that this was something that we both were indeed guilty of and needed immediate action to rectify. It became so clear to me why professional actors keep their real, authentic lives locked behind closed doors – because it is precious to them. It became clear to me why the emphasized needing family and people in your life for a support system, because it does not matter how many fans or awards or Facebook likes you have – the world is a fickle and unfair force. If you place your life in their hands you can be God one day and the sacrifice for the upcoming God the next. But to give your heart to those that find you always worthy, no matter how long it has been since you were cast in a lead role or how big of a success of big of a flop your last film was, or how many people recognize you; that is where you will find the core of love and it is only from there can you receive it’s true blessing and healing powers. It is only there can you share your life with someone without fear of falling too deep.

The Lovelost – Ready to Hear You – Music Video by Running Wild Films   http://youtu.be/ddsow5cukks

Will the real critic please stand up? Oh wait that’s me!

big redPhoto by G Rockett Phillips

“You cannot discredit truth. Truth is truth, and it can neither be proven or disproven. It simply is. The wonder and beauty of my message cannot and will not be affected by what people think of you. Indeed, you are one of the best ambassadors, because you have lived your life in a way that you call less than perfect. People can relate to you – even as they judge you. And if they see that you are truly sincere, they can even forgive you your ‘sordid past.’ Yet I tell you this: So long as you are still worried about what others think of you, you are owned by them. Only when you require no approval from outside yourself can you own yourself” – An uncommon dialogue – Conversations with God Book Three by Neale Donald Walsch

This was God’s answer to Neale when he beseeched God to pass the torch to someone else to deliver the message of what God wanted to communicate through him in the form of the written word, because he felt too unworthy, too imperfect and that his history would taint how the message would be received. I related to this, in fact my gut flipped over and my innards cried out in glorious symphony that they knew this internalized self-torture all too well.

There is a song and a prayer I listen to and murmur regularly throughout the day “Break every chain.” Spoken words of others, condemnations, bad energy, darkness – all very really things that can create a virtual prison or holding tank for our souls. We cannot create when we answer to others, we are not free when we answer to others and we are not who we are fully intended to be when we answer to to others.

I kept seeing this quote float around the internet by Johnny Depp over the last several weeks:

“Just keep moving forward and don’t give a shit about what anybody thinks. Do what you have to do, for you.”

At first I thought “Shit yes!” and then I thought “Well how easy is it for HIM to say that? He’s Johnny freaking Depp?” It wasn’t always easy for him though. Like so many of us, he had to make the difficult journey to stardom, struggling with poverty, raising a family, taking risks that most would probably consider unwise or irrational considering his worldly responsibilities … but he did what he said, he kept moving forward and gave not a single shit about what anyone said or thought. Ok, perhaps he gave one shit, I mean the man is human after all,  but not a big enough one to let him stop moving.

Nearly everything I do in life, I do it with the expectations and possible judgements of others in mind. Should I post that picture, people might think it’s too sexy? Should I take that role, people might think less of me? When someone is mad at me or things are in turmoil, it may as well be the end of the world to me. Not being liked or wanted is probably one of the worst things to me – it consumes me. It does not matter if it’s my mother being disappointed in me for spending the night at a boy’s house even though I’m a 27-year-old woman or if it’s a complete stranger who just looked at me oddly for a passing second in an elevator. My moods, my self-worth are completely dependent and determined on outside circumstances and I suffer for this. There lingers a disturbance in the force that disrupts my workflow, my thought-pattern, my emotional responses and my focus.

Most people don’t perceive me this way. Why? Well because of the billion pictures I post of myself on FB and all the talking up I do of my own work, so clearly I must be a confident if not self-righteous diva? Rubbish. The only reason I started an Instagram account was to deal with looking at my own face. True story … when I joined pretty much everyone was posting pictures of their faces or food, not really a whole lot has changed, but I mean that was literally all you’d see. So I thought to myself one day that I would force myself to take a picture every day, post it and look at it. Sure enough it got easier and easier to accept seeing myself. Now I don’t cringe every time there’s not a photoshopped, professional photo of me flying about the highways of the inter webs. One small step toward victory of self-acceptance. But did anyone else perceive it that way? Probably not. Should it matter how they perceived or received it? No, it shouldn’t.

I fear that if people knew just how little self-confidence I had they would be shocked. I took a new age approach the other day and I said that every morning and every night I would stand in front of the mirror and stare into my own reflection and say the words “You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are deserving of love.” I got through that just fine but as soon as I attempted to switch the word ‘you’ to ‘I’, I couldn’t do it. The water works started and I wept as I forced myself to say those words, lips quivering, chin all crumpled up like a tossed love note wadded in an unwanted ball in the trash, eyebrows pinched together with tension … and as soon I did finally finish stumbling through the mantra (it felt like it took 10 minutes to say 11 words) I let my head drop into my hands and I cried for the lie that I told. I just lied to myself. The only thing that brought me out of this Soap Opera drama moment was the fact that I immediately thought of the youngest son on “The Middle” who after he tells a lie he puts his head down in shame and says aloud in a whisper the lie. Ha … oh sweet comedic relief. Brilliant.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTflLZcUea8

So many of my issues go back to the way that I was raised. There have been scientific studies done that our brain is trained to interpret love, the acceptance and receiving of it, as well as self-worth and self-image in our first through sixth year of life. We don’t even have to maintain the exact memory of what caused these associations, but your brain literally takes an imprint of the chemical reaction that was released when you originally processed the situation and it stores that away into a file so that every time you are faced with those feelings of love, acceptance, etc; the same chemicals and hormones are released. This creates a pattern, which determines our behaviors and views on love.

What is interesting is that it is often in our areas of weakness that we are able to bring the most strength and healing to others. Many people who suffer from extreme physical and medical conditions are some of the most powerful prayers and healers of illness that I have ever witnessed. The women in my spiritual healing class are an ideal example of this. Karen, our fearless leader, suffers from chronic pain, has had several bouts with cancer, almost died from believe it or not allergies, and the list goes on, but she has had one of the most incredible ministries working with terminally ill cancer and HIV/AIDS patients and has seen countless miraculous healings. Dr. Souki, a former prostitute, drug-addict, alcoholic, criminal; travels the world-changing the lives and hearts of victims of sexual abuse, victims that may have died without her testimony or known worse fates, but I just learned that she herself still deals with depression, health complications and suicidal tendencies.

So why are they chosen to give such messages of strength to the masses? Because they are open. Because they have love and compassion despite what they were exposed to. Because they are and represent the masses. They are no better, no more perfect, they are just empty vessels asking God to replace all of the damaged, broken places with his love so that they may share that love with others.

I worry, always that my past mistakes will come back to haunt me. That one day I’ll awaken to the mob of accusers at my front door and be thrown into a public interrogation of who do you think you are questions before an even more public execution. I worry one day someone will say how crooked my nose is or how short I am and how I have no right to model. I worry one day people will expose my history of adultery and use it against me to say I am not good person. I worry that people will figure out that I’m not really a good actor at all, just somebody totally in love with doing it …

Love – love makes things possible that otherwise wouldn’t be. I’ve been working on a feature lately and I will say this quite honestly. My worst work is when I go in my head and begin to question if I’m doing it right, if I’m remembering my techniques, if I’m acting as good as so-and-so, if people will like it, if I’m being too dramatic or theatrical. It is when I let go and follow my initial gut impulses and act from the heart, that it is pure. It is then that I trust my own work. It is very similar to getting in touch with your inner or lost child. Children have no per-conditions or hesitations about responding. If they are scared they scream, if they are tired they yawn, if they think something is silly they laugh, if they are afraid the cry … It is not until they are told by the world that these actions, these natural responses are not acceptable or appropriate so they learn masking techniques to cover those responses and behave as a mature, cultured adult should.  Such a shame. Acting is in most all cases, responding honestly, so how can we make that delivery if we are not honest with what we feel in that moment and our brain is bombarded with worries or concerns about how we will be perceived?

There have only been 1-2 roles where I felt I was able to be honest 99% of the time and I have to say,  when I heard negative criticisms or not the best of reviews, it did not affect or phase me in the slightest. I was sure of what I did and I understood the core of where it originated from. Mr. Critic doesn’t have to like it, I do. It’s me and it’s honest.

Critics, everyone is a critic. Here is the definition of critic:

Definition of CRITIC

1
a : one who expresses a reasoned opinion on any matter especially involving a judgment of its value, truth, righteousness, beauty, or technique

b : one who engages often professionally in the analysis, evaluation, or appreciation of works of art or artistic performances

2
: one given to harsh or captious judgment

Origin of CRITIC

Latin criticus, from Greek kritikos, from kritikos able to discern or judge, from krinein

First Known Use: 1588

I had an interesting conversation with a fellow actor last week about how nobody prepares you for receiving comments regarding your work, good or bad, it can be an awkward or uncomfortable thing.

When people praise you, you always wonder if they are just saying that because they don’t want to offend you or hurt your feelings or maybe they weren’t even really paying attention. Or even if they do come to you with sincerity, how excited should you be about it? If you go too far you could be labeled full of yourself or proud or cocky, but if you are too modest you can be labeled insecure or unsure of yourself.

When people do come to you, or you hear of negative comments said behind your back or perhaps it is public review, again, how do you respond? How much stock do you take in their criticisms? Usually there are constructive bits and pieces that you can take away and use to better yourself, but there have been reviews that have totally wrecked actors’ careers. A lot of sensitive souls can’t stand all of the backstabbing that takes place because they take everything for face value – clearly if they said it, they meant it. We often don’t take time to consider their possible perspectives or angles coming from jealousy, envy, pettiness, competitiveness or any other such lowly places. How easily and freely too we allow people to act as critics and assign value that they do not possess to our attributes.

It doesn’t get easier, at least not for me. I cringe and get butterflies, no that’s too pretty of a term, I get downright sick to my stomach when reading reviews of my films or when I invite people to come see my work but I have tried to get into the habit of keeping several key pieces in mind.

1.) You cannot please everyone. I used to think that if you are good, I mean really stinking good and phenomenal at what you do, no one can dispute the fact that you’re good. Sort of like the quote about the truth from above. Not true when it comes to acting. I for example can very much respect Mr. Leonardo DiCaprio and acknowledge the fact that he is a talented actor, but I personally am not his biggest fan. There is something about his style that doesn’t quite appeal to me. Clearly that does not mean that he is a bad actor nor that I even think he’s a bad actor, just given the choice between him or Javier Bardem, I’d pick Bardem every time. His acting style appeals to me. This is my opinion which will clearly differ from yours or his or hers.

2.) You are you and no one else acts like you do. So often I’ve had someone come up to me and make comments like “You are a really good actor but I thought you were crazy emotional in that one scene.” or “Why didn’t you cry in that scene?” It used to really bother me because it felt like I did something wrong, but there was this day that I was working on accents with Michael Alvarez and listening to a practice CD and he gave me a really cool word. He said that when he first started practicing accents it used to really bug him because he didn’t sound like the guy on the CD no matter what he did, and then one day he realized he never would because that is just his voice. Nobody else has his voice and nobody else will sound like him. You take the technique and you make it your own. This same philosophy applies to full performances. Just because my friend Sarah would have broken down in full tears on a scene doesn’t mean that I would. I acted honestly for me and that is all I can do. Often times you look at the greats and it is those slices of them that are so uniquely them that shine through in their work and set them apart from all others. I’ve watched so many actors give safe performances and I find myself using the word “generic” to describe their choices or “average”. They weren’t bad, but there was nothing special about what they did. Don’t be afraid to let your you-ness come out in all of its glory. Be bold, be strong, be unapologetic with your work.

3.) Very rarely do people write bad reviews without being specific about what it is they don’t like. I read them a dozen times sometimes looking for things I can use to improve, but the truth is, you have to be honest with yourself about well … yourself. I am my own worst critic, even more precise and exact than the toughest of critics. Nobody knows me better or is closer to my work than me. I can watch a scene and in a matter of seconds pick out 10 things I could have done differently to make it stronger that most people wouldn’t give a second glance to, but it blasts out at me like a rocket catapulting into my brain. This used to torment me because I felt like I failed, but now I am just grateful for these opportunities and I am extremely open to watching my own work, because I can take those things and apply them to future work. For example on indie sets out here we often don’t have a person dedicated to continuity, so that is something I have become particularly aware of now because I’ll watch myself and notice my nails were long there and short there, or I had my hair one way in this shot and slightly different in another, or even my boobs will look bigger depending on what bra I wore under wardrobe that day … little nitpick things that can make subtle but firm difference in the character. Physical acting has never been a strength of mine so when I did a short recently I really dissected it and the choices I made of why it didn’t fully translate the way I had hoped. Most of them were really simple fixes, small movements, but I just wasn’t aware of them until I had to work through them

4.) Which brings me to this point – learn by doing. Never be afraid to take a role and never apologize for your work. Put in the time, the research, the training, the effort to be as good as you want the role to be. After you see the finished product, it is a very useful tool to reflect on what worked, what didn’t, what to prep better next time and so on, but as long as you gave it everything you knew to give, there’s no reason to feel ashamed of your work and you simply have more tools to show up with the next time around. Einstein as well as so many of the other great minds understood that you learn from failures. Even if you fail one hundred times, you just learned 100 ways how not to do something … but DO IT. Classes, training, coaching, that is all really crucial to growth and development, but there is nothing like being thrown into the trenches and fighting for your survival as an actor.

5.) Trust yourself. One thing Kevin Phipps told me once when I was nervous about delivering a desirable performance, is that he cast me because he trusts me completely. You already have the role, someone gave you that gift of trust, so honor it. They didn’t hire you to act like someone else or give a performance similar to another actor, they hired you to do what is that you do.

6.) Be gracious. Be awkward. Be whatever it is you feel, just be sincere. I hate it when people pretend like they are bashful when receiving compliments when you can tell they are just eating it up inside, but I LOVE it when you compliment someone and they are genuine in their response. I have a few friends that are not what I would say “business-oriented” so when you talk to them about their work it’s not all cookie-cutter bullshit – if they are surprised you like their work you see the light in their eyes start to glimmer and they start to bumble up their words out of excitement or if they truly felt like they did bad, they’ll say it “Wow thanks, I didn’t feel too confident about that one, but I’m glad you enjoyed it.” It’s refreshing. Think too about meeting celebrities, how much of a turn-off is it when they act like they know how awesome they are and are dismissive of your adoration? But then you talk to someone like Guillermo del Toro whose heart is probably as big as his tummy, and you are overwhelmed with appreciation for how much he appreciates you – little, nobody you, for no reason at all other than the fact that you took the time to tell him how much you love his work because he understands that if it weren’t for you loving his work, he wouldn’t have any work at all.

7.) Not everybody is a critic. They may think they are. They may act like they are, but they are not. Critics are meant to be a people of fair and equal judgement for a purpose of assigning worth and evaluating; not a furnace of a personality waiting to fire up the BBQ and pick your bones dry. There are such critic, yes, but they do not work toward improvement or the common good, so their assessment is simply not needed. Do not give people that power over you. Trust, listen, reflect and make changes based on only those whose opinions you value.

The more I put these blogs out here, the more I promote myself, the more work I do, the more critics I get. Just last week I found out that some folks apparently had some not very great things to tell a local, well-respected director and it has been parading around in my noggin every since. Who are these mystery murderers of my career? Why would they say those things? What did I do wrong or what did I do to them? Then I started thinking, how am I supposed to survive out in a big, competitive, cut-throat market like L.A. when I let someone in a local scene so easily pull on a thread and unravel my sweater?

I won’t. A shift and a change is needed. I need to stop putting others thoughts, opinions, words and feelings above my own. This goes against so much of what we are taught because it is seen as selfish, but if we always choose our highest self – the self that is in fact selfless, honest, kind, brave, and truthful, then in walking such a path, we will in turn be a positive force of light and love to those around us as well as ourselves because in our highest truth there is no desire to hurt another or ourselves, there is no desire to lie or deceive, there is no desire to cheat or to steal from another, there is no desire to degrade or devalue – it is not a commandment, it is just self-evident.

I want nothing more than to like myself, more than I want you to like me. Because if I can’t like myself, why would I believe for a moment that you would like me? It all starts from within. My acting is always about birthing a character from internalizing and evolving it from the inside out. If I put the same amount of effort of creating a film character into developing my own personal character, it would be an ultimate mastery of the self. No more using social media for validation, no more comparing myself to the beautiful people, no more ripping myself to shreds when a negative word is spoken or glare thrown in my direction, no more underestimating my own abilities or passions. Again, with love, with God, all things are possible. It’s like I have all of these holes in me from where I’ve let people penetrate my spirit with their cruelness, intentional or not, and instead of trying to cover them up with band aids or pretending they don’t exist at all, I want to fill them up with love of self. Let’s let go of our transgressions, let us release the negativity, let us loose ourselves from the bonds of the expectations of the world and let us take a walk on the water.

How to become a celebrity – The answer might surprise you – All you have to be is you.

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I have interviewed quite a few celebrities in the past year as part of my journalism background and I keep searching for some common thread. It is about as scientific as I’ll ever get, hunting for some pattern or secret formula that I’ll be able to piece together based on their responses, backgrounds and professional paths. It’s a good thing I didn’t have a hypothesis and even better that I didn’t place money on it because in the world of entertainment it seems that all bets are off! 

So far I’ve interviewed a 20 yr. old actress that started acting at the tender age of 2, has a mother that owned a theater and only does family-friendly material but still manages to have more credits to her name than most 40 yr. old actors and I’ve interviewed those that lucked into it by randomly winning nation-wide talent contests or stumbling into the right place at the right time with the right people. Some of them have had the best training, private coaching, formal education and an immaculate track record for flawless progression from agent to commercials to featured extras to featured cast to starring titles wile others simply sky-rocketed after landing an Indie role or catching the attention of a prolific director. 

At first I was frustrated by this observation of chaos, and then I started to think, how cool is that? I get to pave my own way in! So many times I’ve stopped myself from going to LA because people have told me that you have to have a YouTube following of X number and an X number of Twitter followers and you have to have your own website of course and work with these agents and at least have these many credits and a star meter of a billion on IMDB and blah blah blah blah blah… Really? I mean let’s be honest, do I really? 

I’m not showing skepticism toward the concept of working hard and showing commitment. I understand the reasoning behind it – agents & managers want to see that you will make them money. This is a business after all. If you already come to them with a strong brand and large audience, that means less work for them and it means that you know how to market yourself and will be willing to do what it takes to get work. When you book, they get paid and we all like to get paid. I do follow the standard in that I continue to add diligently to my body of work, I do indeed have my own website (this here blog) I have a decent amount of Twitter folk and my IMDB page is expanding nicely, but here’s my thing, and maybe I’m a purist, to me TALENT is TALENT. 

You can’t argue long enough or show me any evidence to convince me otherwise. You can place a beautiful girl in front of me all day long with thousands of fans and a portfolio as thick as the yellow pages, but if I don’t feel that fire in my soul when she performs but a nobody from Kansas walks in and knocks my socks off, who would I cast? If I were a true artist, if I had a passion for creation and quality, if I had integrity and pride in my work, I would cast little nobody Dorothy and trust that the right audience will be drawn to her. 

Those are the kind of people that I want to work with and the type of career that I strive to have. I have deleted some of the most popular “directors” out here because I cannot stand the joke that they try to pass on as art. If you want to make a soft porn or a T&A action flick, fine! Go for it! Rock on! But don’t try to sit there and try to call a weed a rose, it is what it is. You got a fat check for it and nobody blames you for it, so don’t try to validate why your film showing in Asian markets starring a porn star is a legitimate piece of art. And more than that, do NOT make me feel like I will miss out on opportunities to develop or further my career because I won’t work with those types of directors, or because I won’t take on any and every project that gets posted on a casting website or because I won’t do free work over and over again just to have 37 films completed in 1 year. Who is seeing them? 

This is a business, but as an artist, this is also my life. This is my passion. This is my heart. I wear it openly and freely for all to see which has kicked me in the booty a few times, but I’ve learned this year that saying no, is not the end of my career. That signing with a boutique agency instead of a massive heavy-hitter because I had a peace in my gut about, is not the end of my career or limiting to me in any way. That not having thousands of Twitter followers real or purchased, will not be a doorstop to my career. That having personal standards as to the kind of work and the people that I work with will most definitely not hurt my career but instead mold it into one that I am proud of. 

I realize that perhaps my original intent my have gotten lost in the heated rambling, but my point is (I shall shamelessly steal from Shakespeare) Actors, “To thine own self be true.” Trust your instincts, follow your heart, live and act in love and you can’t fail. When you read suggestions on how to succeed in this business, talk to other actors or mentors and even now as you read my blog – be open but understand that these are all learning points. You can choose to use them or not based on what works for you. Their path is NOT your path, and what worked for them may not work for you. Just because they worked with so&so director or got their headshots done at a particular studio does not mean you must follow in their footsteps. Pave your own path. Being an inspiration to all those people out there who inside are saying “I want to act but this just doesn’t feel right to me.” When you honor yourself and your spirit, success, beauty and true worth always shine through. 

I am a testament to that. Almost ever opportunity that has come to me has been something that the universe presented to me based on my choices of a collective lifetime, but any time I have tried to manipulate or pre-determine a certain outcome, it usually is never as fulfilling as I had hoped. And that is what we are all really after isn’t it – to be fulfilled? 

So cheers to you on your brave new adventure! I will tell you that some of the resources I do love and regularly learn from are use as resources are:

Durantcom.com – Casting notices

Arizona Actors Page on Facebook – Casting notices and stay current w/ what other AZ actors do

Backstage.com – Great articles

Castingnetworks.com – Awesome monthly newsletter filled with tips from industry experts 

The Examiner – Their film reviewers, particularly Bill Pierce are poignant and honest