Friends, fellow filmmakers and big fat fakers

paparazzi 1Photo by Christopher Labadie Photography

There is something really sensational about the human spirit – how we live in a constant state of renewal and restoration. Think about all the times you have been screwed over, hurt, betrayed, taken advantage of, lied to, left behind, heartbroken, cheated … by friends, colleagues, family members, trusted elders …  but have you stopped trying? Have you stopped your heart from loving or from exploring the possibilities of what other love exists? I don’t know a single person that could answer yes to these questions in truthfulness.

We are chemically wired to seek out connection and fellowship with other souls. Our body physically responds to touch and emotional encounters in ways that science nor logic can deny that we are literally constructed to share our lives with one another in unity. This is where the pitfall of organized religion comes in and acts as a trap to mankind. Any person, power or organization that teaches you that you are somehow incomplete or lacking if you do not depend on them is an inhibitor and damaging to your soul. Because we are constantly in this state of seeking, so many people falsely claim to have or be what it is that you seek and out of desperation or hope, you grasp onto it, wanting to believe you have finally found your home, your church, your life partner, you dream job, or whatever it may be.

The issues is in the source – if that thing or person is lost, destroyed, does not live up to expectation (which is the most common reason for depression clinically is unmet expectations) … then what becomes of you? You who have aligned yourself to this force to be fed some sort of spiritual, mental or emotional nourishment to sustain your own life-source? You die and wither like a flower starved of water.

If you’re like most of us, you barricade yourself in a room for a bit, pig out on Ben & Jerry’s, a few bottles of wine or maybe some vodka depending on how serious, cry, rip some shit up, throw away anything that causes recollection of said person, place or thing and then emerge from your cave claiming to feel like a new person; rejuvenated, reignited and ready to go.

You’re not new though, you are a collective of everything you have ever experienced and everyone you choose to encounter and allow into your life path. It is how you let these pieces shape or impact who you are. I’ve never believed in forgetting or not acknowledging your past because of this reason – your past is your foundation, the building blocks of the pillar that is you. Given everything that gets thrown at you in life, the fact that your pillar is still standing (it may have a few gouges or scratches here and there and some missing paint or cracks) but the simple fact that it is indeed still standing, is quite phenomenal.

I love very deeply. I love my parents very deeply. I love my God very deeply. I love my acting very deeply. I love a man very deeply. I have to be extremely careful of those whom I trust and whom I allow into my life on a deep level because when I love you, you have so much power to effect my world. That’s just not a risk I’m willing to take lightly anymore the older I get.

I’ve had a few circumstances that arose in my life over the last year or so ( health scares, love woes, etc.) where I get in my car and I drive around and say “I have no one. Everyone I know is a business contact; an acquaintance.” It’s a very hallowing realization to understand that if I want to call someone at 3a.m. to talk about the audition at Good Faith or that film set we were both on two weeks, ago I’d have my of the litter, but if I need to talk to someone about how I may have a hole in my heart and that’s what’s been causing my migraines this whole time, then who the heck can I call?

I made a devout promise that I would begin working on developing healthy, viable relationships. I am blessed to say that I have a few ladies in my life that I’ve known since Kindergarten, one even from preschool. I don’t come to her nearly as often as I should, but every time I do I feel welcomed home (usually with wine) and warm and comfortable – like putting on a cozy sweater. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed or what guilt my conscious has racked up with sins, I know I can be myself with her.

My best friend lives in Texas. She was one of those people that you meet and your energies just collided and mesh. We connected immediately and although I’ve never had a sister of my own, I would say that I love her as my own flesh and blood and would protect her at any cost. We have this unspoken anger with one another because both of us are entirely too stubborn for our own good and don’t like initiating or asking for help or love so we constantly await the other one to make a move – it’s a lot like a long distance chess match done through the mail actually. I wish every day she would move back and that I could have her near to laugh with. The relationship, the distance, the life circumstance may change, but the love never does.

God has also brought other people into my life in the most unexpected ways. I stayed with Mary Lynn Kelly when I first moved out of my home when separating from my ex husband. Mary Lynn is a glowing spirit, always looking for expressive ways to create and enhance the world of those around her and took me in graciously under her maternal wing. Wendy Killeen is probably the most selfless single mother of 2 that I know as well as an unsung hero. She gives so much and asks nothing in return. Wendy is the kind of person who inspires me. I read in my book series which I often make reference to, that whenever you meet someone new, the question you should ask  yourself is “How can I be a gift unto this person?” Most people operate on the opposite basis, asking “What can I get out of this other person? How does this benefit me to befriend or spend time socializing with this individual?” Wrong. So wrong.

That’s where my fellow-kind comes in. I have over 2,000 “friends” on Facebook. I talk to dozens of different people on any given day whether it be on a film set, IM, at an audition, mixer, screening, rehearsal, work or what have you. I constantly have people coming and going from my life. I made a mistake very early on when first starting out in this career path, believing that all of these new people I was meeting were  now my new friends. I am a very open person and a very trusting person  so I shared bits and pieces of myself with these people. Bits and pieces that these people doused in gasoline, shoved into a cannon and then proceeded to fire at will as ammo at me when it benefited them to do so.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened up to someone honestly, thinking that I was in a safe place to do so when I hear the next day that this same person turned around and said I was a diva or a bitch and used my words (which they originally agreed with) to turn a director or manipulate some other like party against me. Ouch. Seriously, don’t do that! Let me cry, let me be a loner a set, think I’m a bitch, fine – but don’t fake -friend me. That’s just mean. I recently got the advice never to trust another female in LA. Don’t let another female ever take you to an audition, pick you up from an audition, look at a script or side you are working on, or know anything about who you’re dating or your personal life. I don’t think that rule only applies to the ladies la la land … just sayin …

Granted I still believe in my gut that most people are genuinely good and are also looking for a deeper connection. I think that most believe because you may share a mutual interest in film and acting that those seeds should be enough to bloom into a beautiful, fruitful tree if watered and cared for. Ideally, this should be so and fresh , full gardens of shared passion should be cultivated, but that requires both parties to operate on the same level.

I do think that there are some people though, that are nothing but big fat fakers. If all you want from me is for me to work in your film for free, or for me to write up a press release for you or perform some other business-related task, here’s a novel idea – JUST ASK ME. You don’t have to go through this entire bs process of befriending me. It’s a waste of your time and mine, we are both adults and understand the nature of our industry and how cross-promotion works, so why not be forthcoming about it?

I’ve seen it all before, where people fake an interest in who you are because they feel if they don’t, you won’t grant them certain favors that they are in need of. I know the process and I’ve seen it all. There are guides available even, on how to do this  like a skill set – when you meet someone don’t start off by directly asking for a need or a favor or a contact or referral, instead introduce yourself, compliment the other person, let them know qualities you admire about them and if anything, ask them how you can be more like them. These individuals will feel so appreciated that eventually they will volunteer information and services without you even having to ask. That’s the beauty of the system. Even with people I know, they write to me and start with a compliment or some sort of formality so I scan to get to to the part where they are asking me for what it is they actually need. So silly.

I’m feeling bitter at this precise moment because a new business connection decided to drop me like a fly after it escaped my mind that we were scheduled to hang out. He sent a cold text saying “Best to you in your endeavors.” Wow, alright dude, if you choose to operate in those closed off terms and with a policy of unforgiveness and lacking of understanding, then perhaps I’m not interested in fostering a relationship, professional or personal, with you anyway. Dan Dice once said, and I think it is true, your friends will be your friends no matter what. Those true beacons of light will guide you home no matter how much you have messed up, how far off the path you strayed, how lost you got in the wilderness; they will just always be there. That is a friend.

You see, something interesting happened to me while at the Jerome Indie Film and Music festival which taught me an invaluable lesson and exposed a dark, dirty area of myself to … well, myself. I had a very close encounter with my ego and I didn’t like it. I’m ashamed to admit to this, but I feel most may have experienced similar things. I’m dating an actor, a very multi-talented, dynamic, handsome actor who happened to have multiple features screening in Jerome. I prepared myself in advance that this would be his event and I would be support to him, his date and company. I didn’t realize how deeply it would impact my confidence and sense of worth. I felt like a nobody, after all, in this industry you are only as good as your last film. I’d see everyone going around talking about their work, proud of their shorts and their roles, smiling and beaming but I just couldn’t shake my feeling of uselessness. I suddenly desired the invisibility cloak from Harry Potter, more than anything several times throughout that weekend. In fact for the very first time in years, when people started asking me what I do while I was out there I denied the fact that I was even an actor.. I kept saying that I was a writer. I felt to lowly, too non-existent to own the title of actor. I remember feeling that same way when I first started out 2 years ago or so, and I remember my mentor pulling me aside and saying “Melissa, no one will believe you’re an actor until you do.” Since then whenever someone asked me “Oh what do you do?,” I would reply with forced confidence and a smile “I am an actor” until I did start to believe and it felt comfortable on me. Fake it till you make it, right? Until now at least …

When we went back to the room for a wardrobe change in between events and my sweet man started to express his love for me and I didn’t feel worthy of it. Who was I? A nobody, and this fantastic creature in front of me is trying to give me his love. Why? I don’t deserve it. Suddenly flashes of this cycle rippled across the back of my mind and I realized with extreme clarity that this is what we do. We allow others to dictate how good we feel about ourselves. What a terrible, ugly thing. Because these others don’t know us, they don’t know our hearts or our true value, these others know our characters, know the roles we play, know the public personas we exude at events, know shadows of us and yet they are the ones that determine our good days and our bad days? I looked him in the eye and expressed what I just came to terms with and he agreed that this was something that we both were indeed guilty of and needed immediate action to rectify. It became so clear to me why professional actors keep their real, authentic lives locked behind closed doors – because it is precious to them. It became clear to me why the emphasized needing family and people in your life for a support system, because it does not matter how many fans or awards or Facebook likes you have – the world is a fickle and unfair force. If you place your life in their hands you can be God one day and the sacrifice for the upcoming God the next. But to give your heart to those that find you always worthy, no matter how long it has been since you were cast in a lead role or how big of a success of big of a flop your last film was, or how many people recognize you; that is where you will find the core of love and it is only from there can you receive it’s true blessing and healing powers. It is only there can you share your life with someone without fear of falling too deep.

The Lovelost – Ready to Hear You – Music Video by Running Wild Films   http://youtu.be/ddsow5cukks

Jerome Indie Film & Music Festival the next Sundance? Founder says “One day, Sundance will want to be like us”

Jerome end finalFounders Toni Ross & Jason Ryan with Actor Michael Alvarez and I

Full full photo gallery please visit: http://sheacorridor.azcentral.com/photo-gallery/arts-culture/110121-jerome-indie-film-music-festival-next-sundance-founder-says-one-day-sundance-will-want-be-us#image1

Someone in our community set out to accomplish something amazing, and through this one woman’s selfless efforts and vision, we have all benefited and shared in great celebration of that which we all love and that which unites us. Toni Ross suffered an unimaginable loss with the passing of her son, but from her loss, she was able to create something truly beautiful. It is always scary to embark on rebuilding something from the ashes, but like a Phoenix and so fittingly, from the heart of the Phoenix and Arizona Film Industry, the Jerome Indie Film and Music Festival was born. There were many a time I observed people, on more than one occasion, stop  to take in the scene around them – the energy, the camaraderie, the spirit, the passion of the artists spilling into every crevice, corner, theater, fire station, shop, restaurant, bar and hill top of that quirky little town of Jerome, and these people were moved to tears. The festival is already being compared to Sundance, and I am honored to be a part and in attendance of the start of something so significant, not necessarily because of just what the festival has the potential of growing to become, but because it was an endeavor done from the heart and with the purest of intentions.

I cannot praise the staff and volunteers enough for their tireless dedication and commitment from sunrise to sunrise of each passing day of the festival. Despite heat, massive crowds, unexpected dilemmas and any other force of nature or human; these souls devoted time, sweat and a genius level of coordination, organization, planning and an artistic touch to keep the festival running smoothly. The staff often missed the social events and functions (often due to exhaustion most likely or prepping for the next day) which I took to be a huge testament to their level of professionalism.

Part of the grand appeal of this particular festival had to do with the environment, I almost certainly believe as well as the approach of executing a complete festival immersion with not only just multiple venues for film screenings, but also by including panels, interactive screenings, meet & greets, mixers, gala events such as the one put on by Rangelo Productions and more, all in a town that is rich with history, natural beauty and is in itself a true testament to pioneering a path of independence and artistry. While some slammed the festival for being another typical, over-hyped local fest, I think it is a huge accolade to our film community that so much of the work included in this festival was done extremely well. I was not aware that so much solid, impressive work was created and birthed at our local level and it was encouraging and igniting as an artist to witness such excellence originate here. In fact I was extremely inspired after seeing one event in particular, Bill Pierce’s forbidden films of Arizona as well as some of the featured highlights such as Cathedral Canyon.

A huge congratulations goes out to the filmmakers and the winners of the first Jerome film award ceremony for your mastery and your ability to tell cinematic stories in a powerful and sincere way. There are so many individuals and specific experiences I could dwell on for hours expressing thanks to or for, but I will part with this, I am proud and in love with the heart of our Arizona artists and filmmakers and I think we have finally found the perfect, ideal expression of what we have to offer in the Jerome Indie Film and Music Festival. Thank to you everyone who was willing to do what others never dreamt of, who gave their money, their time, their work, their expertise, their bravery and their ingenuity to create something so entirely unique and break out into a new frontier for all filmmakers. This is a legacy left behind for a loved son, by a mother whose love won’t ever quite, and it is the future for generations of filmmakers, artists, musicians and film-lovers for a lifetime to come.

AWARD HIGHLIGHTS:

The Rising Spirit AwardSPEED OF ORANGE – The third film from acclaimed storyteller Justin Hunt, The Speed of Orange tells the story of an ordinary family living in an extraordinary world.  The horse racing team of GHL, which rose to domination in the 70s and early 80s, is a true journey of humble beginnings, unparalleled success, and the unavoidable confrontation with mortality. Told by the people who lived it, The Speed of Orange, and the story of GHL, will make you cry both tears of laughter and of pain, all the while showcasing the elements of fear, ambition, family, friendship, loss and redemption. The Speed of Orange will undoubtedly take you on the ride of a lifetime, right out of the gate, all the way across the wire.

Best  Documentary Feature: Music City USA – Nashville is an area rich in culture, inspiration and pride. Resilience unlike many have seen, yet it is known primarily for its music. Did the people inspire the area, did the music inspire the people, or did this special place on the globe inspire them both?

Best  Documentary Short: The Ghost of the Cuban Queen Bordello  – Reaching beyond the historical and ghostly walls of a famed southwestern bordello in the 1920′s, a turbulent love affair unfolds, revealing the story of a cunning harlot and her selfish lover. Together their tale of fame, fortune and murderous deeds spans decades from Story Ville, New Orleans to the speakeasy’s of San Francisco and comes to rest in a small mining town in the wild west of Jerome, Arizona.

Best Music VideoBohemian Rhapsody”- Puscifer  

Best Arizona Film:  Cathedral CanyonA story set in both sprawling modern Phoenix and the fringe, rural polygamist communities of Northern Arizona, this film presents a hidden connection between these two very different worlds that permits the shocking acts of these cults to continue.

 Best Narrative Short: A Day on Bleaker Street  – A Day on Bleaker Street juxtaposes the lives of two neighbors and their assumptions about one another. Each man desires something the other possesses, but is it all that it appears to be from across the street? Is the grass really greener on the other side? Come spend A Day on Bleaker Street and decide for yourself.

Best Drama FeatureShouting Secrets –  SHOUTING SECRETS is a hopeful and heartwarming universal story taking place in a Native American family. Yet, it is everybody¹s story and does not belong to a single race, religion or class. It is a human story of choices and regrets. Funny and heartbreaking, SHOUTING SECRETS tells a story that is at once about the constancy and the fragility of love, as well as the importance of family. SHOUTING SECRETS has won over 20 Awards for best film and audience choice at film festivals across the US and features an all-star cast of Indigenous Peoples including Chaske Spencer (TWILIGHT SERIES), Q¹orianka Kilcher (NEW WORLD, PRINCESS KAIULANI), Tyler Christopher (GENERAL HOSPITAL, THE LYING GAME), Gil Birmingham (TWILIGHT SERIES) and Tonantzin Carmelo (INTO THE WEST). Tantoo Cardinal and Rodney A. Grant from DANCES WITH WOLVES also play supporting roles.

Best Comedy Feature: GHOST TEAM ONEIn early 2012, filmmaker Billy Chen answered a Craigslist ad looking for someone to document possible paranormal behavior. What he found were two sexually retarded friends scheming to impress a beautiful woman who believed their house was haunted.  They were willing to face their darkest fears to get in her pants. She was determined to speak with the dead. No one was prepared for the demon whore they found instead.

Best  Horror ShortIncident on Hwy
Five years ago, newly engaged couple, Jeff Bedict and Kelly Moga, took a trip through the desert from San Diego to New Mexico and mysteriously disappeared never to been seen or heard from again. “Incident on Highway 73” explores the beloved couples final harrowing hours.

Best Horror Feature:  Speak No Evil – Speak No Evil is the story of Anna, a single mother fighting to protect her daughter from demonically possessed children and a town gone mad.

An actor’s growing pains: It hurts so good

melissa farley 57Photo by G Rockett Phillips

 

I don’t know why I’m writing this now … I’ve been staring at a computer screen for about 14 hours and I haven’t eaten today. Everything feels fuzzy and raw, but I couldn’t seem to not write.

I just got back from L.A. and for the first time I am feeling a bit discouraged. It’s not for any particular reason except for perhaps I’m realizing how daunting of a commitment it is that I’ve chosen to willingly accept upon myself. Sort of like marriage except I don’t get a big shiny diamond ring out of it.

On Saturday I was scheduled to attend a workshop and open audition for Dan Ireland who directed “Jolene” and I was nervous. No I mean like really nervous. That kind of nervous where my stomach hurts and I get a knot in my neck and I don’t talk to anyone or am on like a 10 second time delay on responding because I’m so in my head about everything. I felt awful about this particularly because it consumed the whole rest of our trip. Michael Alvarez and I were actually on a studio tour of Warner Bros. Studios because that’s what we do in LA – cheesy touristy stuff because well, why the hell not? It’s fun and we might as well now because when I live out there I know I will not be spending money on anything other than Chef Boyardee products and toilet paper and a thousand dollar rent. So we were sitting there, waiting to enter this theater and see 90 years of film and television and live sets and all I could think was “Here I am desperately trying to get in these doors, not as a cheeseball fan but as my day job and what if it NEVER happens?”  You see, I’m guilty of being a “what-if-er” Imagine how exhausting that can be to those close to me. I sit there and ponder each and every possibility from the best to the worst and usually I dwell on the worst.

This is a bad habit of mine. I spoke to a friend yesterday who does the same and this whole last week she’s been working on exiling negative thoughts from her mind on entry, flipping it to a positive outcome and verbalizing that immediately to give power and validity to the thought. She said her whole outlook has changed, her attitude is improved, her burden feels lightened and her energy levels are even higher. Could be a whole sammich of bologna but I’m willing to take a bite … I don’t mind bologna every now and again.

So as I sat there and stewed in my pensiveness I thought, “Maybe this is a good thing that I’m nervous.” (I just broke thought and started thinking about beef stew because I wrote stewed… and hot dogs, and fried bologna sandwiches. Mmmm I think it’s time for a quick Ramen break. Oh the life of an actor) Ok I’m back, belly-filled and ready to go. Where was I? Oh yes, good to be nervous – It’s been some time since I have been really good and nervous and had my feathers all ruffled for an audition in Arizona. My first audition that I did a hardcore prep for was for the role of Anne Boleyn. I worked with a private coach for months on Boleyn’s actual speech or more so prayer, she delivered before her execution. Michael Cortez was the coach and I would refer anyone to him in heartbeat but he has since relocated to New York City. I remember sitting for hours with him sometimes just working on one sentence. I would repeat a word over and over again until it was no longer repeating a word written on a page, but it was my own and it would organically originate from within. Often I’d leave our sessions exhausted and frustrated because I felt I could never fully let go to the level that was needed. Talk about a mental and emotional workout.

The second audition I prepped heavily for was a short film called “Micah” The character was of a young, extremely intelligent woman who had been dealt a cruel hand in life, losing almost everything except her younger brother who she battled to have custody for, but her addiction to drugs hindered the process. I walked in a hot-mess; hair all disheveled, black eyeliner smeared around my eyes, dirty clothes and I smoked as many cigs as I could in the 15 minutes I waited for my audition and listened to “Mad World” on my earphones. All the other girls walked in looking so beautiful … it didn’t matter, at least not this time.

In all fairness if I took myself seriously and you as a filmmaker took yourself seriously, I would handle each and every audition with such attention, care and time but alas things are pretty casual in the good old AZ. Most often I get a phone call or FB IM asking me if I want to be a part of a project. Don’t get me wrong, as an actor this is an honor and a privilege. When first starting out it is always a hope that one day you’ll get to the point where you no longer are required to audition, but people will just know your name and your work and want you. I do find it quite odd though when I am contacted by folks I’ve never worked for that operate this way, who say that they received a suggestion from a friend as a testament to my abilities. That’s always a HUGE compliment to be referred, however, and not to liken actors to take-out food or anything, how many times have you been to dinner with a friend and they ordered a dish and raved about how amazing it was when they had it before so you order the same thing. The waiter sets the plate down in front of you as you stare at the culinary masterpiece, utensils clamped in tight fists ready to pounce, your mouth salivating in eager anticipation at the promised food orgy that awaits your taste buds from your friend over yonder across the table. You take the first bite and … It’s … Ok. Definitely not the best thing you’ve ever had in your mouth. Just ok. Well, what if you think that about me???!!!! I hate that situation because then I’m walking on set with this little twinge in my side thinking “Ok Melissa, you have to deliver. This guy has heard of you and you have to live up to the standards that were set..” No pressure. I have to find  a way to let go of those nerves or find a way to channel and use that nervousness into energy for the performance, that’s my responsibility as an actor. Now that I have a demo reel, I usually insist someone watch it before they work with me just to insure that they at least get to sample the goods before they buy it.

So as I’m sitting there, waiting for my audition, feeling like I swallowed sour milk, I began to appreciate how bitter-sweet this moment is. Here I felt I had just arrived at a place in my professional career where this whole nerves nonsense was behind me and I go and throw myself right back into the rodeo. But, like growing pains, that means that my little wings are expanding and I am moving into a new realm that will challenge me, push me, make me uncomfortable and force me to be brave, do more, go further, take risks and be bigger, badder and better than I have ever been.

Am I ready for this? Gulp.

Well no, but is anyone ever really ready? I forge on anyway and return to my method – allow myself 1 minute to explore the fears and doubts and insecurities and then once that minute is up, I release them to the universe and plunge in. While I’m still navigating back and forth, I hope to apply what I learn in other markets, here locally. It is often when professionals from outside markets come in and introduce new practices, that people perk up their ears and jump in on the conga line. I feel like a sponge out there. My heart is open, my soul is willing, my mind is free and I want to absorb all that I can. I feel there is so much I don’t know. So many skills I don’t have, so many people I haven’t met, so many methods I haven’t studied, so many business practices I am not familiar with, so many industry standards that I simply don’t do for whatever reason. Now is the time and here is the place to merge that gap between LA and PHX.

Despite how much I want to believe that there must be some similarities, I came to also realize from talking to a friend that recently moved to LA, that it doesn’t matter how much money you have, the job you have, any of it … it is inevitably different and it is a huge lifestyle change. Forget adapting to altering factors of the industry, life itself is just different there. I knew of a student who for his senior thesis project was going to write and compile a manual for actors planning on moving to LA about everything you’d need to know – places to live, banks to use, casting agents to see, a priority listings of what to, everything. I don’t know what ever came of that as it was years ago. He either probably got defeated himself or he managed to survive and then like so many became territorial and opted not to share his insights with others to keep his advantage. That’s pretty common out there it seems; everyone seems to hold their cards pretty close.

I have learned that Craigslist is your best friend out there for casting and for finding amazing places to live whereas out here I’d only use Craigslist if I had a death wish. Also I learned that I better get used to the whole “Pay-to-Play” mentality, or actually allow me to correct myself, as my friend Kevin put it better “Pay-to-ask-permission-to-play” mentality. It’s like paying to put in a lineup to be chosen to play volleyball. I can see where that would get extremely frustrating when you’re already struggling for basic survival and things like food or I don’t know maybe gas at $4 plus a gallon to get to the auditions if you actually get one. A positive is that you’d get really good at knowing your type! Unless you’ve got money to burn or access to Mummy and Daddy’s bank account, you’re not going to submit yourself to just anything and everything. Instead you’ll become aware of what you actually have a shot at landing. It can be a cruel reality check perhaps when you may have to downgrade yourself from 90210 hotness level to like the awkward best friend of the leading man that sticks cheetohs up his nose for entertainment, but hey, at least you know you stand a chance at booking something!

A lot of actors don’t seem to have an issue finding representation right away as there are so many talent agents out there, but usually the first agent you sign with is more like a stepping stone and a way in. It should be accepted and appreciated as such. I heard several times on this most recent trip some news that us transplants might actually have one advantage over native LA actors and that is our ability to freely and regularly work out here. The owner of a studio and my friend who edits demo reels for a talent manager both said that most of the demo reels they see come through are absolute ish. In fact, the studio owner said he would rather tell most to just say they don’t have a demo reel instead of showing what they do have. This is encouraging! For actors just starting out it seems that we have a higher quality of level of demo reel material with better production value and stronger performances. This may be because most actors out there can only do student films for non-union work or book extra work which really isn’t applicable for a demo. I received multiple compliments from LA contacts including above-mentioned studio owner and this is just my first go at it, but it is a HUGE relief to know I’m moving in the right direction in regards to my footage.

Demo Reel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa2Wct0EIJk

Also, not to go too mom or conservative nun on anyone, but oh man is the threat of ending up in porn real for attractive women! I was just talking to Nicole Randall about how legit agents and managers out there actually take issue with you or even won’t sign you if you’re not willing to do full nudity. And the opportunities are ample if not virtually everywhere – like every third person you meet shoots porn. They are always extending offers, the money is usually decent and the promises usually sound really, well promising. Just say no to being a ho. This is a career shift that you can’t easily retract or redirect off of that path and if you have a sensitive moral conscious, it may not be one that is easy to let go of either. It can seem hard to decipher at first because again, like I said, a lot of legit film and filmmakers out there feature nudity or explicit sexual content which is very different than our local scene where this is a rarity, so all I can suggest is to trust your intuition and listen to that all-knowing inner voice. If you don’t feel a peace about the project or the people involved don’t do it.

Don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because you’re in LA that every opportunity is legit. There are still scams out there; places that have no deeper invested interest in you than to empty your pockets, fraud agents and directors or filmmakers that aren’t nearly as big as they claim they are. Lucky for us in the age of technology it is usually just one quick Google search away from discovering the truth. Don’t also make the mistake of assuming that just because an actor is from LA they are a good actor or that by moving to LA you will suddenly be a better actor. They are just an actor that happens to live in LA and so now do you. LA does not have an magical powers to instantly convert you from sucky to award-worthy, it is just a land filled with vast opportunity. It is still up to the individual to take advantage of what is available and work on their craft. Once I understood that, the environment became a lot less intimidating. Truth is, there are a lot of bad actors out in LA. So I figure I have to be better than at least half of them, right?

Here’s another little golden nugget that got exposed, with all that bad floating around out there, you will be considered a hero if you walk into an audition and you are actually good! The casting agents will probably feel like giving you a crown and a cape and a bouquet of fresh daffodils and daisies. Why? Because they want you to be good, in fact their job depends on it. They have to go to the production team and show that they have secured quality talent, if they can’t do that then it is their butt out the door. As soon as their current film ends, they are scrambling for their next project just as we are and the more they consistently prove their worth and ability and finding good talent, the more they work and trust me, they want to work. So change up your perception a little bit and don’t see these guys as judges with sourpuss expressions and powdered wigs waiting to condemn you, look at them as fans cheering you on in the stadium hoping that you’re going to knock it out of the park! Again, a lot less intimidating. 

Well, I feel like this post was thoroughly weird, but I have to admit, I don’t feel as defeated after writing it so I’ll consider it a form of self-therapy. Anybody want to take up that idea of writing a “Newbie Moves to LA” book because I would love to have that available. Any takers? Anyone? Come on … Until then, I’ll continue to stretch my legs a little bit, dip my toes in the water and refuse to stop growing as an actor and as a human being. Through pain comes healing, through fear bravery is born, through adversity character is built and through exploration of unknown territory comes discovery of untold treasures.

 

 

Will the real critic please stand up? Oh wait that’s me!

big redPhoto by G Rockett Phillips

“You cannot discredit truth. Truth is truth, and it can neither be proven or disproven. It simply is. The wonder and beauty of my message cannot and will not be affected by what people think of you. Indeed, you are one of the best ambassadors, because you have lived your life in a way that you call less than perfect. People can relate to you – even as they judge you. And if they see that you are truly sincere, they can even forgive you your ‘sordid past.’ Yet I tell you this: So long as you are still worried about what others think of you, you are owned by them. Only when you require no approval from outside yourself can you own yourself” – An uncommon dialogue – Conversations with God Book Three by Neale Donald Walsch

This was God’s answer to Neale when he beseeched God to pass the torch to someone else to deliver the message of what God wanted to communicate through him in the form of the written word, because he felt too unworthy, too imperfect and that his history would taint how the message would be received. I related to this, in fact my gut flipped over and my innards cried out in glorious symphony that they knew this internalized self-torture all too well.

There is a song and a prayer I listen to and murmur regularly throughout the day “Break every chain.” Spoken words of others, condemnations, bad energy, darkness – all very really things that can create a virtual prison or holding tank for our souls. We cannot create when we answer to others, we are not free when we answer to others and we are not who we are fully intended to be when we answer to to others.

I kept seeing this quote float around the internet by Johnny Depp over the last several weeks:

“Just keep moving forward and don’t give a shit about what anybody thinks. Do what you have to do, for you.”

At first I thought “Shit yes!” and then I thought “Well how easy is it for HIM to say that? He’s Johnny freaking Depp?” It wasn’t always easy for him though. Like so many of us, he had to make the difficult journey to stardom, struggling with poverty, raising a family, taking risks that most would probably consider unwise or irrational considering his worldly responsibilities … but he did what he said, he kept moving forward and gave not a single shit about what anyone said or thought. Ok, perhaps he gave one shit, I mean the man is human after all,  but not a big enough one to let him stop moving.

Nearly everything I do in life, I do it with the expectations and possible judgements of others in mind. Should I post that picture, people might think it’s too sexy? Should I take that role, people might think less of me? When someone is mad at me or things are in turmoil, it may as well be the end of the world to me. Not being liked or wanted is probably one of the worst things to me – it consumes me. It does not matter if it’s my mother being disappointed in me for spending the night at a boy’s house even though I’m a 27-year-old woman or if it’s a complete stranger who just looked at me oddly for a passing second in an elevator. My moods, my self-worth are completely dependent and determined on outside circumstances and I suffer for this. There lingers a disturbance in the force that disrupts my workflow, my thought-pattern, my emotional responses and my focus.

Most people don’t perceive me this way. Why? Well because of the billion pictures I post of myself on FB and all the talking up I do of my own work, so clearly I must be a confident if not self-righteous diva? Rubbish. The only reason I started an Instagram account was to deal with looking at my own face. True story … when I joined pretty much everyone was posting pictures of their faces or food, not really a whole lot has changed, but I mean that was literally all you’d see. So I thought to myself one day that I would force myself to take a picture every day, post it and look at it. Sure enough it got easier and easier to accept seeing myself. Now I don’t cringe every time there’s not a photoshopped, professional photo of me flying about the highways of the inter webs. One small step toward victory of self-acceptance. But did anyone else perceive it that way? Probably not. Should it matter how they perceived or received it? No, it shouldn’t.

I fear that if people knew just how little self-confidence I had they would be shocked. I took a new age approach the other day and I said that every morning and every night I would stand in front of the mirror and stare into my own reflection and say the words “You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are deserving of love.” I got through that just fine but as soon as I attempted to switch the word ‘you’ to ‘I’, I couldn’t do it. The water works started and I wept as I forced myself to say those words, lips quivering, chin all crumpled up like a tossed love note wadded in an unwanted ball in the trash, eyebrows pinched together with tension … and as soon I did finally finish stumbling through the mantra (it felt like it took 10 minutes to say 11 words) I let my head drop into my hands and I cried for the lie that I told. I just lied to myself. The only thing that brought me out of this Soap Opera drama moment was the fact that I immediately thought of the youngest son on “The Middle” who after he tells a lie he puts his head down in shame and says aloud in a whisper the lie. Ha … oh sweet comedic relief. Brilliant.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTflLZcUea8

So many of my issues go back to the way that I was raised. There have been scientific studies done that our brain is trained to interpret love, the acceptance and receiving of it, as well as self-worth and self-image in our first through sixth year of life. We don’t even have to maintain the exact memory of what caused these associations, but your brain literally takes an imprint of the chemical reaction that was released when you originally processed the situation and it stores that away into a file so that every time you are faced with those feelings of love, acceptance, etc; the same chemicals and hormones are released. This creates a pattern, which determines our behaviors and views on love.

What is interesting is that it is often in our areas of weakness that we are able to bring the most strength and healing to others. Many people who suffer from extreme physical and medical conditions are some of the most powerful prayers and healers of illness that I have ever witnessed. The women in my spiritual healing class are an ideal example of this. Karen, our fearless leader, suffers from chronic pain, has had several bouts with cancer, almost died from believe it or not allergies, and the list goes on, but she has had one of the most incredible ministries working with terminally ill cancer and HIV/AIDS patients and has seen countless miraculous healings. Dr. Souki, a former prostitute, drug-addict, alcoholic, criminal; travels the world-changing the lives and hearts of victims of sexual abuse, victims that may have died without her testimony or known worse fates, but I just learned that she herself still deals with depression, health complications and suicidal tendencies.

So why are they chosen to give such messages of strength to the masses? Because they are open. Because they have love and compassion despite what they were exposed to. Because they are and represent the masses. They are no better, no more perfect, they are just empty vessels asking God to replace all of the damaged, broken places with his love so that they may share that love with others.

I worry, always that my past mistakes will come back to haunt me. That one day I’ll awaken to the mob of accusers at my front door and be thrown into a public interrogation of who do you think you are questions before an even more public execution. I worry one day someone will say how crooked my nose is or how short I am and how I have no right to model. I worry one day people will expose my history of adultery and use it against me to say I am not good person. I worry that people will figure out that I’m not really a good actor at all, just somebody totally in love with doing it …

Love – love makes things possible that otherwise wouldn’t be. I’ve been working on a feature lately and I will say this quite honestly. My worst work is when I go in my head and begin to question if I’m doing it right, if I’m remembering my techniques, if I’m acting as good as so-and-so, if people will like it, if I’m being too dramatic or theatrical. It is when I let go and follow my initial gut impulses and act from the heart, that it is pure. It is then that I trust my own work. It is very similar to getting in touch with your inner or lost child. Children have no per-conditions or hesitations about responding. If they are scared they scream, if they are tired they yawn, if they think something is silly they laugh, if they are afraid the cry … It is not until they are told by the world that these actions, these natural responses are not acceptable or appropriate so they learn masking techniques to cover those responses and behave as a mature, cultured adult should.  Such a shame. Acting is in most all cases, responding honestly, so how can we make that delivery if we are not honest with what we feel in that moment and our brain is bombarded with worries or concerns about how we will be perceived?

There have only been 1-2 roles where I felt I was able to be honest 99% of the time and I have to say,  when I heard negative criticisms or not the best of reviews, it did not affect or phase me in the slightest. I was sure of what I did and I understood the core of where it originated from. Mr. Critic doesn’t have to like it, I do. It’s me and it’s honest.

Critics, everyone is a critic. Here is the definition of critic:

Definition of CRITIC

1
a : one who expresses a reasoned opinion on any matter especially involving a judgment of its value, truth, righteousness, beauty, or technique

b : one who engages often professionally in the analysis, evaluation, or appreciation of works of art or artistic performances

2
: one given to harsh or captious judgment

Origin of CRITIC

Latin criticus, from Greek kritikos, from kritikos able to discern or judge, from krinein

First Known Use: 1588

I had an interesting conversation with a fellow actor last week about how nobody prepares you for receiving comments regarding your work, good or bad, it can be an awkward or uncomfortable thing.

When people praise you, you always wonder if they are just saying that because they don’t want to offend you or hurt your feelings or maybe they weren’t even really paying attention. Or even if they do come to you with sincerity, how excited should you be about it? If you go too far you could be labeled full of yourself or proud or cocky, but if you are too modest you can be labeled insecure or unsure of yourself.

When people do come to you, or you hear of negative comments said behind your back or perhaps it is public review, again, how do you respond? How much stock do you take in their criticisms? Usually there are constructive bits and pieces that you can take away and use to better yourself, but there have been reviews that have totally wrecked actors’ careers. A lot of sensitive souls can’t stand all of the backstabbing that takes place because they take everything for face value – clearly if they said it, they meant it. We often don’t take time to consider their possible perspectives or angles coming from jealousy, envy, pettiness, competitiveness or any other such lowly places. How easily and freely too we allow people to act as critics and assign value that they do not possess to our attributes.

It doesn’t get easier, at least not for me. I cringe and get butterflies, no that’s too pretty of a term, I get downright sick to my stomach when reading reviews of my films or when I invite people to come see my work but I have tried to get into the habit of keeping several key pieces in mind.

1.) You cannot please everyone. I used to think that if you are good, I mean really stinking good and phenomenal at what you do, no one can dispute the fact that you’re good. Sort of like the quote about the truth from above. Not true when it comes to acting. I for example can very much respect Mr. Leonardo DiCaprio and acknowledge the fact that he is a talented actor, but I personally am not his biggest fan. There is something about his style that doesn’t quite appeal to me. Clearly that does not mean that he is a bad actor nor that I even think he’s a bad actor, just given the choice between him or Javier Bardem, I’d pick Bardem every time. His acting style appeals to me. This is my opinion which will clearly differ from yours or his or hers.

2.) You are you and no one else acts like you do. So often I’ve had someone come up to me and make comments like “You are a really good actor but I thought you were crazy emotional in that one scene.” or “Why didn’t you cry in that scene?” It used to really bother me because it felt like I did something wrong, but there was this day that I was working on accents with Michael Alvarez and listening to a practice CD and he gave me a really cool word. He said that when he first started practicing accents it used to really bug him because he didn’t sound like the guy on the CD no matter what he did, and then one day he realized he never would because that is just his voice. Nobody else has his voice and nobody else will sound like him. You take the technique and you make it your own. This same philosophy applies to full performances. Just because my friend Sarah would have broken down in full tears on a scene doesn’t mean that I would. I acted honestly for me and that is all I can do. Often times you look at the greats and it is those slices of them that are so uniquely them that shine through in their work and set them apart from all others. I’ve watched so many actors give safe performances and I find myself using the word “generic” to describe their choices or “average”. They weren’t bad, but there was nothing special about what they did. Don’t be afraid to let your you-ness come out in all of its glory. Be bold, be strong, be unapologetic with your work.

3.) Very rarely do people write bad reviews without being specific about what it is they don’t like. I read them a dozen times sometimes looking for things I can use to improve, but the truth is, you have to be honest with yourself about well … yourself. I am my own worst critic, even more precise and exact than the toughest of critics. Nobody knows me better or is closer to my work than me. I can watch a scene and in a matter of seconds pick out 10 things I could have done differently to make it stronger that most people wouldn’t give a second glance to, but it blasts out at me like a rocket catapulting into my brain. This used to torment me because I felt like I failed, but now I am just grateful for these opportunities and I am extremely open to watching my own work, because I can take those things and apply them to future work. For example on indie sets out here we often don’t have a person dedicated to continuity, so that is something I have become particularly aware of now because I’ll watch myself and notice my nails were long there and short there, or I had my hair one way in this shot and slightly different in another, or even my boobs will look bigger depending on what bra I wore under wardrobe that day … little nitpick things that can make subtle but firm difference in the character. Physical acting has never been a strength of mine so when I did a short recently I really dissected it and the choices I made of why it didn’t fully translate the way I had hoped. Most of them were really simple fixes, small movements, but I just wasn’t aware of them until I had to work through them

4.) Which brings me to this point – learn by doing. Never be afraid to take a role and never apologize for your work. Put in the time, the research, the training, the effort to be as good as you want the role to be. After you see the finished product, it is a very useful tool to reflect on what worked, what didn’t, what to prep better next time and so on, but as long as you gave it everything you knew to give, there’s no reason to feel ashamed of your work and you simply have more tools to show up with the next time around. Einstein as well as so many of the other great minds understood that you learn from failures. Even if you fail one hundred times, you just learned 100 ways how not to do something … but DO IT. Classes, training, coaching, that is all really crucial to growth and development, but there is nothing like being thrown into the trenches and fighting for your survival as an actor.

5.) Trust yourself. One thing Kevin Phipps told me once when I was nervous about delivering a desirable performance, is that he cast me because he trusts me completely. You already have the role, someone gave you that gift of trust, so honor it. They didn’t hire you to act like someone else or give a performance similar to another actor, they hired you to do what is that you do.

6.) Be gracious. Be awkward. Be whatever it is you feel, just be sincere. I hate it when people pretend like they are bashful when receiving compliments when you can tell they are just eating it up inside, but I LOVE it when you compliment someone and they are genuine in their response. I have a few friends that are not what I would say “business-oriented” so when you talk to them about their work it’s not all cookie-cutter bullshit – if they are surprised you like their work you see the light in their eyes start to glimmer and they start to bumble up their words out of excitement or if they truly felt like they did bad, they’ll say it “Wow thanks, I didn’t feel too confident about that one, but I’m glad you enjoyed it.” It’s refreshing. Think too about meeting celebrities, how much of a turn-off is it when they act like they know how awesome they are and are dismissive of your adoration? But then you talk to someone like Guillermo del Toro whose heart is probably as big as his tummy, and you are overwhelmed with appreciation for how much he appreciates you – little, nobody you, for no reason at all other than the fact that you took the time to tell him how much you love his work because he understands that if it weren’t for you loving his work, he wouldn’t have any work at all.

7.) Not everybody is a critic. They may think they are. They may act like they are, but they are not. Critics are meant to be a people of fair and equal judgement for a purpose of assigning worth and evaluating; not a furnace of a personality waiting to fire up the BBQ and pick your bones dry. There are such critic, yes, but they do not work toward improvement or the common good, so their assessment is simply not needed. Do not give people that power over you. Trust, listen, reflect and make changes based on only those whose opinions you value.

The more I put these blogs out here, the more I promote myself, the more work I do, the more critics I get. Just last week I found out that some folks apparently had some not very great things to tell a local, well-respected director and it has been parading around in my noggin every since. Who are these mystery murderers of my career? Why would they say those things? What did I do wrong or what did I do to them? Then I started thinking, how am I supposed to survive out in a big, competitive, cut-throat market like L.A. when I let someone in a local scene so easily pull on a thread and unravel my sweater?

I won’t. A shift and a change is needed. I need to stop putting others thoughts, opinions, words and feelings above my own. This goes against so much of what we are taught because it is seen as selfish, but if we always choose our highest self – the self that is in fact selfless, honest, kind, brave, and truthful, then in walking such a path, we will in turn be a positive force of light and love to those around us as well as ourselves because in our highest truth there is no desire to hurt another or ourselves, there is no desire to lie or deceive, there is no desire to cheat or to steal from another, there is no desire to degrade or devalue – it is not a commandment, it is just self-evident.

I want nothing more than to like myself, more than I want you to like me. Because if I can’t like myself, why would I believe for a moment that you would like me? It all starts from within. My acting is always about birthing a character from internalizing and evolving it from the inside out. If I put the same amount of effort of creating a film character into developing my own personal character, it would be an ultimate mastery of the self. No more using social media for validation, no more comparing myself to the beautiful people, no more ripping myself to shreds when a negative word is spoken or glare thrown in my direction, no more underestimating my own abilities or passions. Again, with love, with God, all things are possible. It’s like I have all of these holes in me from where I’ve let people penetrate my spirit with their cruelness, intentional or not, and instead of trying to cover them up with band aids or pretending they don’t exist at all, I want to fill them up with love of self. Let’s let go of our transgressions, let us release the negativity, let us loose ourselves from the bonds of the expectations of the world and let us take a walk on the water.

Confessions of an Actor-holic

guitar pic

Photo by Sean Kapera Photography

Committing to a new film is a little like committing to a new relationship. Some last for a few short days, some last for months. but each leave a lasting impression on who you are and shape the choices you make for future selections. Through these commitments we learn a lot about ourselves, what we want, what we don’t want, what we find acceptable or unacceptable, who we work well with together or who just doesn’t understand us and based on those experiences we start to build a structure of who we are as actors, not just a representative body of work, but a framework for what we will and won’t do.

I often spend a lot of time conversing with actors about there on-set horror stories. I am blessed to say that in my career I have now had the opportunity to work with a wide range of directs and on varying degrees of levels of professional film sets from very controlled environments to what felt like a f@#$^&* free for all. I’m torn on this idea of the “abused-actor” and hope you will let me venture and explore it more in-depth here.

When I jump on board a project I usually have a fairly good idea of what it is I am getting myself into. I talk to the director, ask questions, talk to people who have worked with them previously, do a little trolling, watch their work, etc. I’ve worked on the 2nd floor of a warehouse in August in Arizona with no air-conditioning while wearing full Victorian era costuming, I’ve laid in a bucket of ice water, then gotten out of it and stayed in wet clothes, then gotten back in to said tub of ice then back out, then in and so on without having a heated blanket or probably a medic on site would have been appropriate for that one, I’ve filmed while deathly ill, I’ve filmed after blacking out and throwing up, I’ve filmed on sets that had no food or water but I can trace those circumstances 99% of the time back to my own stubbornness, lack of resources, lack of experience (which I was aware of) or some other reasonable source. It is those times when it is a blatant lack of care, respect and professionalism on behalf of the director that one needs to worry about entering into the realms of being abused.

There are directors, famous directors, notorious for using torturous and unethical methods to draw out a particular response or desired performance from actors. I was sent this article by a friend who bravely confronted a director who she felt had exposed her to unsafe conditions and as I was reading about Alfred Hitchcock tying birds to Tippi Hedren and Kubrick driving Shelley Duvall nearly to the point of insanity and baldness and early directors before SAG literally getting away with murder or beastly antics to achieve realism I kept asking myself, why would these actors continue to subject themselves to this?

Then the second thought came into play, “Oh come on, like you wouldn’t?” I swear sometimes I genuinely am crazy and just hide it really, freakishly well. I can see the split sides of anything at one given moment and there is so often this internal battle between my two selves. I do know that actors often feel proud of their harrowing tales and will talk about the time they actually got kicked in the face during a fight scene or the time the candle actually caught their hair on fire or the time they had to film an emotional scene but there was delay after delay so they lay sobbing on the floor in a puddle in character for i6 hours, like they are showing off proud battle scars.

As actors we all strive for realism. What better way to achieve realism than to just make it be real. This actually feeds into a conversation I had last night with local director Roze about the future of cinema being highly sexual and how some filmmakers have already crossed over into asking their actors to have real sex. It is not a porn, most of the time the angels are actually kept on the face or at a wide, but the physical movement, the facial expressions, the genuine guttural impulses and responses are undeniably different when having real sex as opposed to faking it.

Even on a G-rated path, ok maybe PG, I can think of countless examples where risks were taken to enhance a film or achieve a sense of realism, from the water being dropped on what’s her face in Flashdance (apparently that was enough to snap her neck possibly) to documentary-style type dramas where actors are asked to go into unsafe locations or deal with “real-people” on film such as prostitutes, drug-dealers and other questionable characters.

So there in lies the question – Do you buy a bunch of fake props, dirty and grunge them up, build a set that looks like a crack-house and have a safe, clean environment for your actors to work in or do you hit the streets and get down to the raw, grittiness of reality? I guess that depends on your personal comfort zone and what you are willing to do, but either way those terms should be communicated prior to filming so those expectations are not a surprise to either party and to ensure that you are working with the right people who have the same mission and the same purpose as you do.

There are some things that should never, ever be done by directors especially if you can’t introduce yourself as Mr. Coppola who if you read the article above filmed in a literal war zone in the Philippines. Those things come down to basic trust and respect.

Please have water and some form of nourishment on set. We are working hard for you. We give tremendous amounts of energy, time and physical dedication to our craft to make your vision come to life and we deserve to be hydrated and kept functioning if nothing else.You would bring food and water for a dog if you were taking one on outing with you, are we not even deserving of this?

Take into consideration the environment – if it is hot then get together a collection of fans, coolers, ice chests or even just extra water on hand or if it is freezing then have blankets available, heaters, jackets, etc. I know we all don’t have budgets to rent equipment but I could rummage through my closets and find at least 10 blankets, if I ask friends to contribute or even go to the dollar store for additional blankets, we’d be golden. It’s a simple gesture of courtesy to keep your actors comfortable.

Give actors a full 12-hour turn-around. Let me correct myself, not just actors but the entire crew, including yourself. Acting can be physically straining as well as mentally and emotionally exhausting. I often experience what I like to call “emotional-hangover” after very intense days of filming. Plus there is planning and character prep for transitioning to different scenes, transportation time to and from locations, etc. Why would you think you can get the same level of quality, coherent, fresh material from me if you only allowed me to sleep for four hours before expecting me to set foot back on set? I’m all about 10, 12, even 14 hours days… as long as you stick in there, I’ll stick in there right with you, but for goodness sake, give me time to wind down, decompress, rest and refresh so I can come back on set roaring and ready to go with renewed spirits and ferociousness.

If there is something in the contract HONOR IT. If you promise a copy, credit, pay, whatever then do it. It is very rare that someone actually will go as far as to take legal action against someone here if they don’t fulfill the terms of a contract but I can tell you this, it is a testament to your character and reliability and I remember that. Don’t bate me in with false promises – if you can’t deliver IMDB credit or you won’t ever get me my footage, then don’t tell me that. Let me make my decisions to work with you  you based on truthful circumstances. This is one of the reasons why so much is gotten away with here. Most work is not Union and not under contract so there is no one to protect the rights of actors. Heaven forbid an actor speak out and say they’ve been misled, abused or not given what’s owed to them because often times that actor is ignored and cut off or … well that’s pretty much it, just neglected like an unwanted stepchild that once served a purpose but no longer does.

Don’t misrepresent your film or lie to actors. A lot and I do mean a lot of actors disagree with me. They couldn’t care less what the film actually turns out to be, who’s in it, how they got to film at a certain location, just as long as they walk away with a paycheck and a credit under their name. I am not one of them. I want to know if you’re getting funded by a an adult film company because that impacts my image, I want to know who the cast is in the film before I sign the contract, and I certainly do not condone lying to investors or third parties to secure shoot locations or any other amenities for a film. I will not align myself with a dishonest production company because if you choose to do it on a grand scale, then you are certainly capable of doing it on a smaller scale. If you are lying to a corporation about what you are using their facilities for then why wouldn’t you lie to me about what you’re going to attach my name to. No thanks, I wash my hands with that, I’m done. I need to trust my director. I may be nervous about certain things or feel insecure or emotional, but as long as I know I have a director and I team that I can fully feel safe with then normally I’m game for just about anything.

Show a little loyalty.. I observe who works with who, who hurts who, who screwed over who and so on. There was a film that I was supposed to work on that originally I was cast as a minor role but at some point the guy contacted his lead and pretty much said “You’re out, Melissa is in.” Everyone kept telling me how exciting that was and how lucky I am but I kept thinking, if he’s willing to turn his back on her and cut her off like that, why wouldn’t I think he’d be willing to do the same to me? In a few short months I’ll be damned if that exact situation didn’t come into fruition. I hear stories all the time about directors who cast somebody in a film when they had no budget and suddenly the Gods smiled upon them and the heavens opened up and an outpour of money rained down which meant they had the option of enlisting A-listers and replacing the original cast but because these individuals exhibited loyalty, they stayed true to their word. Nobodies become somebodies from opportunities like that.

Listen to your actors. Your actors will tell you what they are comfortable doing and not doing. It is your choice as a director at that point to help them grow comfortable to fulfill your request, to make adjustments or changes to accommodate their feelings or to push right on through because you might genuinely believe and have faith that your actor is more capable  than what he or she sees in themselves. This is one of the secrets to being a great director. If I can feel like I can come up to you and say I’m scared to do X Y or Z or I have reservations about this or that but we have the type of working relationship where we can talk about how to tackle these things together, then I’ll be a trooper about getting you what you want. I want to feel like you’re in the trenches with me, ready and willing to get your hands bloody, not just hiding behind the safety of your monitor and calling out random directions occasionally. NO!!!! Come play with me, come work with me, come listen to me . . .

Treasure the process. One of the most rewarding things about being a part of a film family, no matter how temporary, is creating those bonds, completing something extraordinary and artistic and human together that took massive amounts of effort and time from everybody involved that poured in their love and lives into this. Why not celebrate it?! Host events to mark release dates and screenings and awards won, it is worthy of being recognized and the cast wants to feel important and remembered for their work, not just abandoned out into the wild.

I’m not trying to tell anyone how to do their job, but I feel like there should seriously be an ethics class for filmmakers or at least a class where actors and directors can collaborate together to better understand each other’s needs on a professional and personal level. I hear the same stories and accounts of regret and complaints over and over again, yet no one will actually go to the source and confront the directors or filmmakers to directly express their needs save for a rare few like Jane Fendelman who is now working with Kevin R. Phipps to talk about these kind of working relationships in a book called “Kiss the Rat” based off of her own personal experiences on set.

It truly is the same as many things in life – to get good you must first give good. You catch more bees with honey. And all of those other cliché’ remarks about how much more efficient and effective actors would be if only treated well. After this last weekend I was almost tempted to created an actors anonymous group where we could stand up and confess the different ways we have been victimized, but there comes a time when each victim has to stand up and take responsibility for themselves and choose to be a victim no more; choose not to work with that director again, choose not to remain on set if presented with unsafe or unreasonable working conditions, seek out protocols and measures you can take to receive payment or other contractual obligations and do everything you can to raise the standards of what is acceptable.

Don’t get me wrong, if I feel like being trapped in a box for two hours to reach a suffocating, schizophrenic state of mind for a character development process, then I will, but you can bet your bottom dollar that it will be my choice to do so, not the result of someone else telling me what should or shouldn’t inspire me. We must always protect ourselves, but never be afraid of expanding our frontiers of learning even though others approaches may seem drastic, bombastic or absurd. Sometimes it is in those moments of insanity that a true pure second of reality is captured.

Here is the link to the article I made reference to. It is a really disturbing and incredible read, if these accounts are all indeed true:

http://www.cracked.com/article_19099_12-classic-movie-moments-made-possible-by-abuse-murder.html

 

 

When you’re an actor “Love is a Battlefield” Ain’t NO Joke

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Before I started acting on a professional level I heard the expression, “When you date an actor it is like dating a cheater.” I didn’t get it. I get it now.

Acting was always a part of my life, no it was more than that, it was the one true thing in my life. I can think back on my school play in 4th grade where I dressed up like a giant, tropical Toucan, or the Food Groups play in 6th grade where I played the mom to a boy that was literally 2ft taller than me, and my first junior high play where I played a blond bimbo…I loved that wig, right up to high school when I saw my name next to Ophelia‘s for the first time. Yes those could just be a random selection of memories grouped together by a common theme, but these memories are my essence. They are my happiness. They are moments in my youth where time stood still and I felt a deep peace and knew that everything was as it should be. A faithful sweetheart love.

At the end of high school I was convinced into auditioning at the Thespian Conference. I stood in the hall waiting to audition surrounded by dozens of others anxiously reciting their monologues – some strikingly stoic, some nearly in tears, other shaking with nerves and anticipation. I felt this calm come over me and I just said to myself “Screw it. I’m just going to go in their and talk. I’ll be as honest as I can be and I’m going to talk to them. That’s all I can do.” Mind you this was before I had clue what Meisner was, but it worked. I got the most responses at the conference which led to scholarships being offered to theater programs and one film school all across the country. I didn’t take any of them.

I know some of you are probably mentally screaming at me right now and are preparing a lecture on missed opportunities, trust me I already know. I have no legitimate reason other than that I’m human and I was young and afraid and engaged at the tender age of 19. I broke off that engagement the evening before my parents were supposed to book the church, started focusing on school and working and making money and it wasn’t but a few years later that I was engaged once more. This time I made it to the altar.

My husband was a good man. He loved me as I was and he was honest. When I mentioned during our dating period that I used to act, he said that he could never be with an actor and he meant it. In our third year of marriage I was in my final semester of college and required to take an elective course. I took “Acting for the Camera” The instructor of that class became a mentor to me and encouraged me to move forward with pursuing a career in film. He helped me get my first headshots, get my first agent, attend my first audition and introduced me to Chris Labadie and several other up-and-coming filmmakers that not only gave my first shot at being on screen but became life-long friends. There was always this caution, this hesitance that I sensed in my mentor though, something I couldn’t quite place, but I still remember exactly the way he looked. I didn’t fully understand it at the time. He would tell me stories about missing his grandmother’s funeral because he was committed to a shoot, or not being present to fully see and appreciate his children growing up because of his career and every time I took on another project or spent more time away from home or had to work alongside an attractive, eager male I sensed the sadness that would well up in his eyes. At one point he straight up told me to value those in my life that I loved and to remember the value they held, I being obstinate and stubborn almost took it as a challenge. I did not welcome his guidance in that area of my life.

After almost a year of not seeing his wife for weekends at a time, me coming home at mysterious hours of the night, getting phone calls and texts and message from men and taking on more and more roles that required me to do things that made him increasingly uncomfortable, I made the choice to move on and pursue my dream. Something he once told me was that when I get bored, I set the world on fire. I’ll never forget that and I never want to get bored again.

There were nights that I would crumple up into a corner of my room and cry and sob, tormenting myself if I had done the right thing. I lost a man who loved me, a home, my dogs, my life, my family and for what? A dream? After countless hidden evenings of this and acting like Diane Keaton in “Something’s Gotta Give” randomly bursting into tears at the grocery store or when driving, I decided that I had to accept the fact that I had indeed made that choice and because I made that choice, I needed to honor it and work my ass off to be the best actress I can be. To leave him and break both of our lives apart for anything less would be unacceptable.

When I did date again I dated an actor. I thought this would solve all of my problems that I faced previously in my marriage. Like so often in life, I was wrong. Some things were enormously better, but this time around instead of just one of us having a hellish, crazy-insane schedule, we both did. Instead of one of us talking, flirting “networking” with the opposite sex, we both did. Instead of one of us taking on sex scenes or intimacy with highly attractive counterparts, we both were. Instead of one of us being fully committed and focused on making the relationship our top priority, neither of us did. It was doubly challenging because as an actor we were supposed to be understanding of those things with one  another. If I didn’t allow him to do something or take a role, that meant that I would be obligated to do the same if presented with a similar opportunity and we couldn’t have that now could we. It truly exposed my deepest, ugliest parts including but not limited to hypocrisy, insecurity and competitiveness. Somehow we became oddly at war with each other. We both wanted to be the first and the best so when one would book a role or get offered an opportunity, instead of expressing support and joy and pride, the other would feel disadvantaged and this silly fear would creep in that they would blow up, get famous, move on and forget all about little old me, either that or I’d be eternally riding the coat-tails of his fame.

It was vicious. As an actor I didn’t want to be stopped by any force or held back in any way regarding my craft. I need to be given the freedom to fully commit. I would look at him and see how strikingly talented he was and beautiful and capable and there was this split in my heart that wanted to let him go fulfill his full potential and then there was this other part that never wanted to let him go. I tried so hard to keep a sense of regularity intact, but would fail every time because I refused to fail when it came to anything in the industry.

I started looking for a way to balance these two loves in my life. Can you even both? In an emotional frenzy I wrote something in my journal that may be considered slightly offensive, but it is what I felt and still pretty much feel “You can’t be with anyone when you’re an actor did you know that? Because you have to be in love with yourself. You have to be a slave unto yourself. You have to indulge in every pleasure, in every sacrifice and work yourself like a whore every day and every night. YOU are the business. YOU are the art. YOU are the passion. YOU are the product. You can’t possibly give yourself away when there’s a product to be sold to the highest bidder for fame and fortune and legend.”

It’s a little bit of a dirtier, grittier version of what Michael Caine used to say about how you have to be married to the craft. You have to be willing to go anywhere, say anything, do anything and be anyone. He goes more in-depth on this topic as well as gives some incredible technical advice to actors in his “Acting in Film” series.

I included links to the videos below because they are all worth the watch – try to get over how out-dated they feel. There is also a book available:

 

I immediately equated this to mean that if I’m married to my craft then clearly I can’t be married to someone else, or even dating someone else. It wouldn’t be fair to that person. I was always raised that when you are in a serious relationship you put that person above yourself and consider their needs and wants before making any decision no matter how big or small. If I did that, I wouldn’t have accomplished half of the things I’ve done thus far, especially if I did that in my marriage, I wouldn’t be here at all. Sooooo don’t have a someone  – maybe just a little something, something on the side? So not my style.

Later in life I stumbled on this quote from Michael CaineMy wife comes with me on all the movies, but she is not an appendage to a film star or anything like that. She is a completely intertwined partner. She is the other half of me. Also, we’re still very much in love with each other. We always have been, we always will be.”

It gave me hope that there is a possibility for true love to exist in the realms of working in the world of make-believe. Hope can be a deadly thing, but hope is also what keeps us going.

Everyone I know who is an actor in a relationship has this cavalier attitude about it. I consistently hear comments like “As long as he stays faithful to me then we’re fine. The minute he says he wants to go sleep with someone else, fine, tell me, be honest with me, be straight up with me, don’t make a fool out of me, and we are done.” Wow, really? Or I hear people so casually say “Just move to LA, make a solid income to support him and then he can come out” when the couple is newly married and one of the parties doesn’t want to relocate. I don’t know that I could do that. Isn’t the point of being married to work as unit and make decisions together? That seems to sort of defeat the entire purpose. I know one married couple where one is an actor and the other is not, but I swear to God this husband is one in a million. Every other time I’ve observed what I thought to be a healthy relationship, the dirt eventually rises to the surface.

One of things I truly struggled in understanding is how to keep a relationship sacred within this industry. When as an actor you can pretty much go as far with another person sexually except for actual intercourse (unless you do those kind of films) and you spend so much time building bonds and relationships and feelings with other people; what is it that you can share with one other person that you don’t share with anyone else? The obvious answer there is your heart, but that requires a great deal of trust and the promise and committment from your end that your heart won’t ever change or be compromised. In an industry so filled with excess and options, where it is so easy to find something or someone different at the turn of your head, that simple promise can be more difficult to keep than originally anticipated.

Even so, let’s say that I do fully give someone my heart. Is it enough? Will that be enough when I’m off shooting for 3 weeks with little communication and surrounded by temptation. Will it be enough when I miss anniversary dates or family reunions? Will it be enough when you see me intertwined with someone else in bed on-screen? Will it be enough that we may never have a regular life where you come home from work and I greet you at the door with a kiss and serve you a hot dinner and ask you how your day was? Will it be enough if I tell you I don’t think I want to have kids because I need to focus on my career?

When I’ve expressed these fears and questions some have said that it is merely a matter of finding that right person that you’re not only compatible with but who you have a firm foundation of trust (there’s that word again) and who appreciates you, ALL of you.

Does such a person exist? If I listen to my mother, then no he does not. There is not a man in the world that could put up with my ambition, my vagabond lifestyle, my constant attention to social media, gadgets, devices, emails and other men (platonic or not) or the idea that my life is very much consumed by acting and it always will be. Unless of course he is another actor, but then in return, I’m not okay with all of that ish. Rather a conundrum them ain’t it?

This seed of doubt got planted in my head. Maybe I’m not meant to be an actor. Maybe I don’t have what it takes because I’m not willing to comprise normalcy and having a loving, nurturing relationship. Doubt is a cruel thing to do to yourself. Flip open a tabloid and you can observe that probably 98% of all entertainers must suffer with this same exact predicament. With an outlandish divorce rate, countless accounts of unfaithfulness and affairs and various addictions plaguing folks in relationships you can see just how common this pattern is and yet….  they still try; they still look for love, for the one that will stick.

Ok so what does this all mean? It’s ok to want a relationship while being an actor. It’s ok to be an actor while being in a relationship. How can do you make it work? Is there formula, a template I should be following or certain attributes I should be looking for in a partner or in myself to ensure success?

Sadly I don’t think such a thing exists. If it does, I beg of thee, please send me the link! I do think that I’m at a place in my life where I probably need to redefine what love is and means to me as well as what a “good” relationship is within the terms of the reality that I am, forevermore an actor. If I can break the cycle of societal and familial expectations placed on me of what relationships should be and remove those mental boundaries, I can open up a whole new world and way of experiencing love.

There are some truths that I know to be unshakable: 

1.) You gotta take the full enchilada –  It doesn’t pay to hide any part of yourself. The man who I am with has to love the hard-hitting, power-player, social-media slut, networking nut of a promoter, , overachiever, over-worked actor and personality just as much as he’s got to love the Melissa behind closed doors in over-sized pajama pants, with Minnie Mouse slippers, eating ramen noodles, watching The Munsters, while laughing at myself trying to learn how to play poker for the first time and failing miserably. I in turn must love all of him. I have had men be drawn to the image projected out into the world but then they expect me to “perform” all the time and be that perfect representation you see in modeling pictures or at film events. On the flip side of that I’ve had those that love the me that no one else sees, but despises the Melissa that steps out the door, calling her a fake. It is all me, one does not exist without the other. I love all of me and rightly so.

2.) Honesty & Transparency – Don’t lie. Just don’t do it. Don’t try to cover up your past or be selective about the information you share regarding where you stand on acting, the roles you take and what’s required of you. It always comes out eventually and when a lie is applied to mask the truth, I have to not only cope with what happened but the fact that you lied. No bueno and totally unnecessary. Trust can quickly erode and become more difficult to earn once a series of lies is discovered. A lot of people handle it similarly to children. They know mom will get mad if she finds out that the cherry popsicle fell on the white rug and they don’t want mommy to be mad so it is better to just not say anything. WRONG. Yes mom is going to be mad, but mom should also commend you for being direct and taking the initiative to handle the situation with prompt attention and truthfulness out of respect for her.

3.) Communication – Just talk to me. I am an Aries and I am only child aka I am a control freak. I’m working on that….The point is that I don’t have the intention of ever holding anyone back from something they love or that will be good for them as long as I feel included or at least informed. When you feel that the ship is sailing away without you it is a very sad experience and can cause feelings of abandonment and resentment. All of which could be totally avoided with a few minutes of convo. I am shocked at the power that kind words can accomplish. When you are able to offer someone words of assurance and love, you can gain a whole army of support, but when you leave them feeling threatened and left-behind, you’ll find that when you look to you right or look to your left, no one will stand by your side.

4.) Be secure in who you are – This is the little dagger in my side. If I can’t believe in my heart of hearts that no matter what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with, you love me and will only desire me when you step off that set, it won’t matter what you do or say to try to assure me of that. The issue is internal. This is why it is important to have a strong sense of self before you choose to be in a committed relationship whether in the industry or not. It’s not fair to repeatedly punish or crucify your significant other for your own insecurities. There is no faster way to kill a relationship, trust me, I know.

5.) Compromise – This is a vital part of every relationship. You are taking two lives and trying to mesh them into one partnership, clearly some level of compromise will be needed. But when does compromise turn into sacrificing who you are to make the other person happy and in turn relinquishing your own happiness? The answer that I have found that makes the most sense to me is again from Neal Donal Walsh. He talks about how most people mistake the feeling or desire to be needed for love. When somebody needs you that means they are dependent upon you for their happiness. This is not a good thing. True love, however, is open and giving not constricting. True love is freedom. True love is allowing the person to honor themselves and through honoring themselves, in return they honor you with love. I feel like this should be easy, but it hasn’t been for me. I’m like that little girl who loves her little dolly so much and so hard that she squeezes it so tight to her bosom until the head pops off. I have to stop decapitating and debilitating those that I love out of fear that I’ll lose them.

6.) Don’t accept the unacceptable – There are times when feelings of jealousy or anger are unfounded and bred from selfish or shallow intentions at our core. It is those times we must be honest with ourselves, acknowledge our own faults and work through them to grow and become better lovers. There are also things that you should never accept or try to talk yourself into accepting. We all have our own boundaries, but anytime a person does anything to make you feel you have no value, self-worth or is damaging to your spirit man, LOVE YOURSELF MORE and walk away. A broken heart is the cause of more deaths, diseases, failures, situations of abuse and depression than anything else in the world. Protect it.

7.) Don’t throw in the towel – If you love someone or something, as long as you honor yourself, don’t be afraid to put on the gloves, put in a mouthguard and step into the ring. Anything worth having, is worth fighting for and the better it is, the more you have to fight for it! Again this could be a whole other blog post but I believe a huge part so many young people are divorced today is because as soon as something gets hard they walk away. Love is not perfect, it is just love. You have to work at it every single day and make the choice to be all in. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice and a commitment.

My goal, as cheesy and Disney-Princessy as it sounds is to be so filled with abundant love and light that I don’t have to limit myself to choosing one or the other, but that my heart will be home to both one special man and another little man named Oscar one day.

An actor with a case of missing identity

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I’ve already “preached” about the whole “To thine own self be true” concept in a previous post, but last week I was presented with that age-old question “Who are you?” and I desperately wished that I had a rock to crawl under. I nearly almost slithered under the table when it was originally posed to me. In a moment all of these faces and recognitions of things and people that I am NOT flashed through my mind, but I couldn’t even formulate a complete sentence of who I was. Oh snap. Well what the heck does that mean?

Being annoyingly organized and slightly obsessive, some say compulsive, I decided to go back to my list of those that I am not in the hopes that it would become clear from the residue that was left over as to who I AM.

First of all, I am not, sadly, Leeann Dearing. I love Leeann Dearing. I was one of the first interns at the Dearing Acting Studio and spent a lot of time with the Dearings in a professional and personal environment and I don’t have a bad thing to say about the whole clan. Leeann was so beautiful that sometimes I would be rendered speechless and awkward like a prepubescent boy when she would walk into a room (I have so much more sympathy for teen boys now btw), she is witty and funny, sweet like a little honey cake, intelligent and every day I seemed to learn a new talent or skill that she possessed. I sat there in my black clothing with my black frizzy hair and my stubby little body in a big office chair with my feet barely touching the ground, oh who am I kidding, they didn’t touch the ground, wondering about what it would be like to be Leeann. Blonde, blue-eyed, charming and gorgeous and a God & people-loving soul. Well the blonde I couldn’t pull off, the blue eyes…meh, contacts are a pain in the butt, but I could try to take away from her zeal for life and love. She brightens any environment she graces and I wanted some of that, I wanted a cup of her sunshine.

One that I still haven’t stopped acting like an obsessed fan over is Ms. Annie Boon. I remember watching her in a short film called Vinyl and thinking. I want to be her. I want to do this. She gave the first performance where I said to myself, she’s not acting, she’s just being honest and there happens to be a camera in her face. It didn’t matter what I saw her in after that, role after role after role she was consistent in this truth. It seemed like an unreachable standard to an amateur like me. I saw her on set, the first professional set I had every been on actually, and I was mortified to even be near her. It didn’t matter to me that she wasn’t this huge famous name, respectable talent is respectable talent and I pushed myself to get over this irrational fear and tried to listen, watch, observe, learn from her that day on set as much as possible. Isn’t that a beautiful thing to want to take away – honesty. Pure, simple, come-as-you-are honesty. That’s what Annie gave me a desire for.

Another  lady I knew that I was not is Nicole Randall. This hot little number came out of virtually nowhere and started booking roles with directors that I was too timid to even approach. She is a real-life Jessica Rabbit with fiery red hair, a body to die for and a smile that men melt for. I wouldn’t know how to be that bold and fearlessly sexy if my life depended on it. To add to the cool-factor, this girl can handle a gun, a bow and arrow and probably can ride a Harley when I can’t even hold one up. There was that secret hope that she would be mean or stuck up but no such luck, Nicole is an absolute sweetheart and I can see why people enjoy working with her – she’s that flawless balance of fearlessness and feminine, a blend of sugar & spice. I want a little bit of her kick, a little bit of her bravery, a bit of her bad-assness, if you will.

Lately my obsession has been Jing Song. This girl is EVERYWHERE and plays everything from victims to ancient goddesses. Plus she’s got a body to kill for, I’m not gonna lie, I saved one of her photos to my desktop as motivation…plus I just like to look at it. Naughty, I know. But in all seriousness, her versatility and vivacious attack on film in this industry did not escape my attention. She is never prideful nor too big for anything but instead is incredibly humble, grounded and excited about any opportunity or role, no matter the size and her sense of humor is delightfully refreshing. Clearly, I will never be Asian – there’s jus not enough plastic surgery in the world and I will never have that banging body, again I repeat, there’s not enough plastic surgery in the world, but I could use a dose of her humbleness and realness.

I had a director that once said “If you must steal, only steal from the best.” I dig it. So now I had this list of fabulous people I am not, but I also had a list of honorable attributes that I try to apply to my own life and professional approach. I think I see a framework starting to be constructed…

The second part of the conversation rang in me around this time “Who are you like? Who have people said you reminded them of; either acting or look like?” Here we go…

My look is usually evolving. I have people that don’t even recognize me from one set to another, but I’ve been told I look like that Star Trek girl, Sarah Brightman, Rachel Weis and and (I am so ashamed to admit that this is the most popular) Snooki.

Acting, I don’t feel worthy to compare myself to anyone but I learn from Kate Winslet, Jennifer Connelly and Hilary Swank. I read about them, watch their work, follow their careers. I’ve had one experience where I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom and I’d walk in and out of the bedroom while getting ready and some silly Rom-Com with Sarah Michelle Geller and Alec Baldwin was on and I literally did a double-take when I saw her make a particular expression. It was like looking in a mirror. Next thing I knew 40 minutes had passed by with a toothbrush hanging out of my mouth as I sat in horror, half hell-bent on hunting down Geller’s PR Rep and accusing them of having someone follow me around since birth to feed her material. That was me up there, I swear to the heavens. You think I’d follow her career, but I don’t. It’s weird watching yourself, or your clone.

Then the third part of the questions came in “What are your strengths? What is your niche? What roles do you excel in naturally and what do you want to do?” Pfffff, I market myself as the girl who can cry on screen. It’s almost like being an emotional drug dealer “What can I do you for today? You need tears for a breakup, tears for a suicide scene, tears for a dying boyfriend, tears of a struggling addict? Step right up we’ve got em’ all right here at a price you can’t beat…usually free” I feel very comfortable doing that. I also feel very comfortable being that dominant, sorta sassy girlfriend on screen that tells it like it is. She’s sort of bitchy but you like her anyway. I’ve only been offered that twice, but it fit like a glove. A lot of people see me and from my look try to push me toward sexual roles or comedy. And that was when the light bulb went off.

When you go out to LA, it is all about the look. Gino Calabro recently made a post with this statement on Arizona Actors and it was reconfirmed by someone later in the week. That when you first start out, you get cast for being you. It’s not until you’re established that some director looks at you and says “I wonder what she could be…?”

That is why everyone tells you to know your look. Know WHO YOU ARE. Suddenly, I was going back through my notes feeling helpless call over again. Ok so I’m not the blonde bombshell and I’m not a Jessica Rabbit and I’m not the next Lucy Lu and I’m not Kate Winslet, so who am I?

Can you tell I still don’t know? Maybe that is because I never answered one of the questions – what roles do you want to do. All of them. That is the honest answer. I want to transform into anything and everything that I want to be. I want to do dark and gritty performances, I want to be a Bond Girl, I want to be like Leslie Mann and do fun comedies, I want to be sexy like Olivia Wilde, I want to be smart like Jodie Foster! Why shouldn’t I? The only person limiting myself here is me.

I’m frustrated that I don’t feel that I fit into a “type” I’m not a soccer mom or a sorority girl, I’m not a business type or a stripper, I’m just me. Weird, quirky, little me. I worry this will hurt me in a professional market and have been considering making some changes. If the drama is my niche then I have to cut the ish out with the low-cut shirts and the eyelashes and the lip gloss. No casting director is going to look at Snooki and see Charlize Theron. As I was pondering this self-image reinvention, I started thinking about Hilary Swank whom I mentioned earlier and how she goes all in, even for an audition, she goes all in. She showed up to audition for a role with her head already shaved to play a boy. She booked it. She lived in her car, made calls to agents and managers from a pay phone and got ready at local parks and YMCA’s because she knew who she was. She is an actor.

I am an actor.

I can be anything that I want to be, I can look however I want to look, talk in whatever accent I want, but that core always comes from me and I know who I am. I am an actor. I am ever-changing and ever-growing as I continue to absorb new knowledge and learn from those greater than I. As Winnie the Pooh would say, “I’m short, fat and proud of that,” I am stubborn and insecure, I am passionate and intelligent, I am fierce and loving, I am a warrior for truth, but the coolest thing about who I am, is that I am my creator. Just think about the power in that statement. You are your creator. There is no other artist, no other designer, no other director or person that can make you who you are.

That is why it is my core belief that acting is not about becoming someone else or pretending, it is about looking inside of yourself to find those pieces, those memories, those unexplored places to become a full, complete version of yourself. You come to know yourself and define yourself through experience. What a great gift we have been given as actors, to freely be able to journey into our inner realms, our souls, our past lives, our forgotten childhood, to discover and remember who we are as humans. I don’t intend to waste that gift. It is like being you’re own Superhero, master of your own universe, savior of your own soul. Be unapologetically you and don’t ever be afraid to live in a world of endless imagination, limitless versions of you, alternate endings and a place where there are no mistakes, just the journey.